


All I Ask is a Tall Ship

by AntarcticBird



Series: Star Trek Klaine [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, star trek crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-30 01:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 32,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5144597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntarcticBird/pseuds/AntarcticBird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years at opposite ends of the galaxy, and now they're leaving on the same five-year mission into deep space, on a ship where they can't help but keep running into each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many years ago I started writing (and posting) a Klaine/Star Trek fic, but for various reasons I never got around to finishing it. When the big bang mods announced that this year we could use the chance to finish an old abandoned fic, I knew I wanted to finally finish this one. If you read the beginning of this like … four years ago, well. I've made some really big changes and also added 30,000 words, so it's not quite the same fic anymore. But I'm still really happy that I finally got around to finishing it, because yay Star Trek! And yay Klaine! 
> 
> The biggest thanks to frumiosme for the lovely art and to both my betas for listening to my endless whining about this and for helping me make it all better.
> 
> Okay, enough, it's been four years so I'll shut up now and feel very good about myself for getting this done, finally! I hope you enjoy!

“You're leaving? Is this true?”

Blaine sighs, turns around before he reaches the turbolift to look back at his friend. Because even if he has to be on shift in ten minutes, he knows he cannot avoid the questions forever. “Yes.”

Wes blinks, shakes his head, because he doesn't understand. “But why? You love it here and we need you. If you were unhappy here you should have talked to me, I don't...”

“I'm not unhappy,” Blaine promises quickly. “It's just – it's a great opportunity.” Blaine shrugs, a little uncomfortable having to explain this. He does love this ship and he does feel a little bit bad for leaving them, but he's thought long and hard about this and it is absolutely the right thing for him to do. “I do love the Dalton, but the New Directions is a challenge. And when I heard they needed a new Science Officer, I requested the transfer. I love the research we do here, you know I do, Wes! But they are going out into deep space. It's exciting. I've dreamed of a mission like that since before I was even accepted into the Academy. I cannot pass up the chance to be a part of that.”

“Are you sure about this?” Wes does not seem convinced, he knows him too well. “We are going to miss you. Replacing you is not going to be easy. And you have friends here. Friends who will be very sad to see you go.”

“I'll miss you guys too,” Blaine assures him, and, god yes, he will. So much. “It's going to be... different. But … it's what I want. I'm really looking forward to this opportunity. Please try to understand? I've thought this through and I believe that it is the right thing for me to do.” 

He'd known that this was coming; there is simply no way his friends are going to let him go without at least trying to persuade him to stay. It's why this is so difficult. He loves all of them like they're family. Three years of traveling together will do that to you. It's going to be hard, saying goodbye to them.

“I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into,” Wes says. “From what I hear of the New Directions, it's chaos. Exciting work, no doubt, but no clear command structure, mutinies, back-stabbing, excessive bed-hopping … You sure you're ready for all of that?”

Blaine laughs, dismissing the argument with a wave of his hand, displaying a confidence he doesn't really feel. “You're making it sound worse than it probably is.” Dear god, he hopes so. “And I've never heard of an _actual_ mutiny. I think they just have a different … approach to certain things. That's not always necessarily a bad thing, you know? Anyway, it's all part of the challenge.”

A different approach, yes. Everyone who has ever been in contact with the New Directions or actually served there has stories to tell. Most of them not very comforting for anyone who's about to embark on that ship for a five-year mission, with that crew, with their apparently very particular approach to things like command and protocol.

“Whatever you say,” Wes replies, looking skeptical, which is to be expected of someone with his level of respect for rules and discipline. 

They all value that, it's part of their Starfleet training, it's part of who they are. Blaine is sure the crew of the New Directions are no different in that respect, or none of them would ever have made it through the Academy; they are Starfleet officers same as the crew on board the Dalton. They just have a reputation for getting a little … _creative_ , every once in a while. And isn't that also part of the skill of a good Starfleet officer? It's definitely a skill he hopes to acquire along the way. A little flexibility, the ability to think on his feet – he hasn't had a lot of opportunity to practice these things during their research missions on board this ship. He's kind of looking forward to the change of pace. It makes him nervous, but it's also an exciting thought. Exciting enough to go through with the transfer even if he's a little scared to leave this ship that's become his home.

“I have to go,” he says, not wanting to talk anymore right now. Wes is right, though. He has no idea what he's getting himself into. But, so what? Even if all the stories are true, asking for this transfer was still the right thing to do. He's sure of it. “My shift starts – well, pretty much right now.” He smiles apologetically. “I'm sorry, Wes.”

Wes sighs and shakes his head. “Don't apologize. I didn't come here to make you feel bad about your decision. I just wanted to make sure that you have indeed thought this through. I care about you, you know that right? We all do.”

“I know,” Blaine promises and feels his eyes going a little damp as he turns to go. Leaving this ship is _not_ going to be easy.

**

Back in his quarters after his shift, he wants nothing more than to take a shower and head to the mess hall for something to eat and possibly a drink before bed, but of course there's someone at the door before he even has the chance to get his boots off.

“Come in,” he calls, and looks up when Wes suddenly stands before him once again, a concerned looking David at his side this time.

“What is it now?” he asks, a little more sharply than he means to, because he can just see it in their faces, he just knows why they're here and he doesn't want to talk about it _again_ , he just wants to go to sleep.

“We did a little research on the crew of the New Directions,” David begins and Blaine does his best to keep his expression neutral as he realizes why they're _actually_ here this time. He had hoped, just a little, that maybe they wouldn't find out about this particular detail. But, well, he's on board a research vessel. His friends are researchers. Of course they have researched this as well. He doesn't know why he ever expected any less from them.

“What about the crew?” Blaine asks, doing his best to sound innocent.

“Oh, cut the crap,” Wes bursts out in a rare show of emotion. “You're our _friend_. We're allowed to worry.”

“Worry about what?” Blaine asks. “There's nothing wrong with that crew.”

“No, there isn't. It's just – You didn't request the transfer simply because it's such an exciting place to be, did you?” David asks, and Blaine chooses not to answer that.

“We know who their Assistant Chief Engineer is,” Wes informs him.

Blaine sighs. Of course they know. Of course they recognized the name when they saw it, he's mentioned it enough times when he first came on board. They know of Kurt. And apparently, they haven't forgotten the numerous times he just stared off into space right after he came on board or that one time on Pacifica when he got stupidly drunk on shore leave and broke down sobbing as they tried to carry him back to his quarters. Blaine looks up, tilting his head a little at his friends, blinks up at them. “So? Are you saying I shouldn't go because he's there?”

“No.” Wes sits down across from him, fixing him with his gaze until Blaine has to look away. “We're saying that you should make sure he's not the _reason_ you wanted to go in the first place.”

“And if you find that that's the case, it's not too late to reconsider, because this transfer can affect your entire career,” David adds. “You have to be sure that it's worth it.”

He huffs out a breath, getting a little irritated now. Their concern is touching, it really is, but it does hurt his feelings a little to be considered so impulsive that he'd risk his entire career for a romance that ended three years ago. “What, I can't have a career there? That's ridiculous.” He leans back in his chair, misunderstanding his friends on purpose. They _know_ him. They should give him more credit than that.

“It's been three years, Blaine.” David sits down as well now, sounding quiet and just – concerned. And Blaine doesn't really know how to be angry at people who just mean to help him, even if their attempt is bordering sharply on condescending. “A lot can happen in three years.”

The implication is clear – you've been pining all this time, but that doesn't mean he's been doing the same.

“We just don't want you to get your hopes up only to be let down,” Wes explains.

“That's … actually really nice of you,” Blaine admits, “but you don't have to worry about me. He's not why I'm doing this.” 

It's the truth. Of course it's the truth. He's wanted a deep space assignment for as long as he can remember, since before he even joined the Academy. The fact that Kurt is on the ship he's transferring to – well, it may have made the decision easier, he can at least admit that much to himself. He _is_ excited about seeing him again. But he also _really_ believes that it's a good career move, and also something he has dreamed of his entire life. “I _want_ this assignment.”

Wes and David look at each other, neither of them seeming convinced, both of them apparently less than eager to push this. It's dangerous territory and a conversation they have learned to avoid over the years. It's clear, though, that they have no intention of letting it go now. They care. They want what's best for him. Blaine loves them for it, but he couldn't care less right now; he's tired and he needs a shower and dinner and by now _definitely_ a drink and most of all he really, really wants to stop talking about this, because, honestly, he's _thought this through_. He's very well capable of making his own choices.

“Listen,” he says, “I just finished my shift and I still have a report to write. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but could you maybe just leave me alone for thirty minutes? I'll be in the mess hall later and I'd really like to have dinner with you guys and maybe grab a drink or two, and I promise you that you can try to talk sense into me for hours if you want then, but not right now, okay?”

Of course his friends understand and not a minute later he's finally alone in his quarters and alone with his thoughts and no matter how hard he tries, he can't avoid thinking anymore.

He has tried, oh god, he has tried so hard to forget him over the years. The excitement he feels about seeing him again, though, tells him that he hasn't entirely succeeded, but maybe that was to be expected. He resents the implication though that his feelings for Kurt are the reason he contacted Starfleet and requested the transfer. It's been _three years_.

It does almost seem like some strange kind of cosmic joke, though, that the first position available that fits his chosen career path exactly is on that ship. _Kurt's_ ship.

He has tried to forget, but he can still feel the hurt of saying goodbye to him that day after graduation, the day they left for their assigned ships that were going in opposite directions across the galaxy. 

What they used to have – he doesn't know if there's a way to ever stop mourning something like that. Something so special. Something that was ages ago and ended with his heart shattered into a million pieces – he's still not sure he put it back together correctly, because sitting here, he can still feel the ache like a broken plate glued back together with the cracks still showing.

He looks forward to seeing him again. He can't deny that. He's missed him so much. It seems too good, almost, that he's getting his chance to go into deep space and a chance to fix things with Kurt at the same time. Unless … unless Kurt doesn't want that. In that case, it could be a really awkward five years stuck in the Gamma Quadrant together.

Laughing out loud at his over-dramatic thoughts and cursing his tired mind for being weak enough to dwell on this, he finally gets up to go about his evening routine, a little impatient now to get to the mess hall and see his friends. 

If he can just keep them from talking about the motivation behind his transfer request, it will be okay. They won't if he asks them not to. And he doesn't want them to. What he wants is to be distracted. He wants to spend some time with them before he leaves. Maybe drag them off to the holodeck for a stroll around early 21st century New York City or anything else that might take his mind off things. 

He knows, whatever he asks, they'll be there; hoping to get more information out of him about why he's leaving them, but also because they'll just _be there_. Like they've always been there from the moment he set foot on this ship three years ago, heartbroken and completely overwhelmed by the responsibilities of his first ever assignment, feeling utterly unprepared for anything facing him out here in the real world.

Oh god, he will _miss_ them. They helped him grow up, they became his family, they helped him learn and improve and grow. He will miss this stupid ship and everyone on board. He won't see them for five years at least and sure there's subspace messages, but that's not the same as being able to meet up for a friendly card game at the end of a long day in the lab. And depending on how far he'll travel not even that might be a possibility for the duration of the mission. After all these years, this has become his home, and he's about to throw it all away because apparently, he just can't let go of the past. It's ridiculous. 

_No_ , he thinks, he was interested in that assignment on board the New Directions before he went to check whether or not that one particular person was still part of their crew. 

_Yes, but_ , the annoying part of his brain that just won't let him stop thinking about this chimes in. He remembered the name of the ship Kurt embarked on three years ago. Of course he did, how could he not; he spent a lot of the last three years hating it because it was so far away, always so far away.

But three years is a long time, he reminds himself. Kurt might have not even been there anymore by now. Kurt was always ambitious and talented, it would have been entirely possible that he'd moved on to somewhere else if a better opportunity had presented itself.

He sighs, finally slipping out of his boots and kicking them angrily across the room. It doesn't matter, none of it matters anymore, it's all too late for that. He's _going_ to join the crew of the New Directions. And he'll like it there. They're going into _deep space_. It's … a dream come true. It really is.

And he'll see Kurt again, and they'll get along as friends at least because there's no way they couldn't. Kurt used to be his best friend in the whole world. Maybe now, after three years and the worst of the pain of their break up behind them, a friendship is actually possible. 

It had to end back then because they were going to be apart, setting out on different ships right after graduation, and didn't even know when they'd be seeing each other again. It was the only logical decision, the right decision, the one that was supposed to hurt less than stretching the bond between them halfway across the galaxy. So yes, there was no way for them to actually _stay together_.

Shaking his head at himself, he pushes away the thought and decides to focus on his report instead so he can go meet his friends. He absolutely needs a drink tonight, a strong one (maybe he'll even manage to get his hands on some Romulan ale), because he's thinking the weirdest things. And none of that is really helping to convince him that this transfer was such a good idea.

**

Fortunately, no one talks too much about his transferring to the New Directions that night. They seem to have said what they needed to say earlier in his quarters. 

Instead, they reminisce about the time Blaine had come on board (“Oh god, do you remember … must have been one of his first away missions, we were helping this team of scientists set up a research station on Crius IV, and that one night we were drinking and socializing and he accidentally got engaged to their Bolian astrobiologist?” Nick reminds them and Blaine laughs along, because the Captain got him out of it eventually and the left-over embarrassment over that story is fading with the many mishaps he's seen his friends through since then), and it's not a bad night, in fact, he finds himself enjoying it immensely.

They move on to stories about the New Directions crew eventually – Blaine remembers some of them from their time at the Academy and so do Nick and Jeff, even though they haven't all been in the same year.

“Captain Sylvester is quite the character,” Thad tells them. “I met her once on Risa. I was only there on vacation but she was apparently trying to recruit Risians as what she called 'entertainment officers' for her ship.”

“She was actually my instructor for survival training at the Academy,” Wes says. “She's strict, but she knows what she's doing. I know the Academy was sad to see her go when she accepted command of the New Directions a few years back.”

“Is the First Officer still Schuester?” Trent wants to know. “Because I remember him from the Academy too. He was in the language department, I had him as a Vulcan teacher for two years. Didn't really do much good for me when I visited Vulcan for the first time though, I think he must have been teaching some old dialect. Or a different language altogether, I don't know.”

Nick frowns. “Isn't he dating the counselor? Commander Pillsbury?”

And that's where Blaine changes the topic to the farewell party he intends to have before going away, because seriously, he doesn't need to know _everything_ about his new crew right now.

**

He lies awake later at night. not drunk after all because he still has to get up early tomorrow, knowing his last week on the Dalton begins the very next morning. In a week, they will rendezvous with the New Directions at Starbase Earhart. He will leave this life and the safety of it behind in order to begin a new journey, one that might take him _wherever_ on a ship less organized than this one but with a crew a lot more adventurous. And he's terrified and excited at the same time.

Because when it comes down to it, he really hasn't thought this through all the way. He's taking a chance and he's not even really sure why. Wanting the assignment is part of it, but wanting the assignment _now_ , wanting only _this one_ assignment, that's a different story and it scares him. A part of it is restlessness and thirst for adventure. Another aspect of it (and he's really not sure how significant this one is) is part longing and part stupidity, and that could mean this is a rash decision he might regret at some point.

Rolling over, he stuffs his face into the pillow and resists the urge to scream because he doesn't know anymore _what the hell_ is going on in his own head. He's not a reckless young cadet at Starfleet Academy anymore. He doesn't _do_ things this way. He thinks and evaluates and does what's right and he's a big believer in sense and logic and the rules and discipline, because the work they do is important and good and being focused and not letting yourself go is a big part of this life. But underneath all of that there's always still the part of him that _wants_ , wants things for himself, wants to be irresponsible once in a while and sometimes he just hopes that it wasn't this part of himself that made him request a transfer. He doesn't want to be selfish, leaving the Dalton like this. Leaving his responsibilities, leaving his _friends_.

The hardest thing is that beneath all of this doubt, he's so absolutely sure that he made the right decision, whatever his motivation. It doesn't stop him being scared, no … _terrified_ of what might happen, but he knows that he needs to do this. He needs to prove it to himself that he _can_.

Why does the New Directions have to be in need of a new Science Officer and why is he qualified for the position? Every possible decision, as soon as he heard about it, felt like the right and the wrong one at the same time. Still. This is what he's going to do, (possibly maybe) not listening to his head for the first time since he became a cadet at Starfleet Academy. He'll go. If it turns out to be a wrong turn, he can hate himself for that later. He's allowed a few mistakes. And this will be the first one he makes for something _he wants for himself_ in a long time.

He's not sure what it is he wants exactly, and even if he knew there's always a chance he can't have it anyway. He only knows that the regret of staying would weigh a little heavier on his heart than the regret of leaving. And the thing about mistakes is that you have to make them before you can know whether or not they're worth it. That thought doesn't make it any less scary or confusing, but in the end it at least allows him to get a few hours of sleep that night.


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt's reading through their repair schedule for the next few days over breakfast, having secured a table all to himself, when the chair opposite his own is suddenly pulled out and he looks up to see Mike settling into the seat opposite him.

“Morning,” Mike greets cheerfully, and Kurt puts his schedule down with a sigh, smiles.

“Good morning.”

“Excited already?” Mike wants to know, attacking his mountain of breakfast food with enthusiasm.

Mike works in Stellar Cartography, but in his spare time he runs vigorous dance simulations on the holodeck; he probably burns twice as many calories as everyone else on board.

Kurt frowns. “Excited for what?”

Mike rolls his eyes. “Starbase Earhart. Getting to leave the ship. I hear it's beautiful there. Or – entertaining, at the very least. I've been planning the most epic date night with Tina for weeks now.”

“Oh.” Kurt shakes his head. “I'm not going to go. We're probably going to be working twelve-hour shifts as it is to get everything ready in time for departure. I'll hardly have time to get drunk in some seedy bar.”

Mike laughs. “They have more than bars down there. Also, you work too much.”

“I kind of like what I do,” Kurt informs him, eating another piece of pancake. “As do you. Also, you'll thank me once we're not stranded in the Badlands with no power.”

Mike frowns. “We're not going anywhere near the Badlands.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “I know. I wanted to sound dramatic. Anyway. We have a pretty full schedule, so...”

“Oh, have you heard?” Mike asks, bouncing a little in his seat excitedly. “They found a replacement for Matt. He's coming on board at the starbase too, just in time for the mission.”

“No, I hadn't heard,” Kurt tells him, then shakes his head. “I still don't understand how Matt could just be transferred out of here with none of us even _noticing_.”

“Yeah.” Mike shrugs. “Apparently he got offered a new post on his girlfriend's ship. It's really too bad, I liked him. At least … I'm pretty sure I did.” He frowns, then shrugs and returns to shoveling pancakes into his mouth.

“Do you know the new guy they're sending us now?” Kurt wants to know.

Mike nods, swallows. “Not personally, no, but he's young. Around your age, from what Tina tells me. So maybe you know him, you must have been at the Academy together. Lieutenant Blaine Anderson?”

Kurt – puts his fork down very slowly, doesn't lift his gaze from his plate, swallows, swallows again, takes a few slow, deep breaths and hopes that Mike doesn't notice. “Oh,” he finally says, proud of himself when his voice barely wavers. “Yes, I do indeed know him.”

“From what I hear, he specifically asked for the assignment. And he must be good. Apparently, the Dalton didn't let him go without a fight.”

Kurt has to fight back the bitter laugh with some difficulty. “I believe that. He was always – talented. Determined.”

“You knew him well?”

He nods. “I – I did, yes. I have to go,” he quickly excuses himself, pushing back his chair. “I'm already late, I promised Britt I'd stop by the lab before my shift today.”

“How's her biotemporal chamber coming along?” Mike wants to know.

Kurt shrugs. “Not really an expert on temporal mechanics. Good, I guess. I'm only stopping by to have a look at a hologenerator that's apparently acting up.”

Mike waves through a mouthful of omelet, swallows quickly to call out “Later, Kurt,” after him.

Kurt hurries out into the hall, doing his best to keep his face neutral even through the shock and the sudden, inexplicable need to scream and burst into tears and dance and transfer off the ship all at the same time. He feels shaky and unsettled, nervous, stomach rolling until he's afraid his breakfast is going to come back up.

Lieutenant Blaine Anderson.

Blaine Anderson.

_Blaine_.

He doesn't know what to do or what to think or how to act. He just doesn't know.

Three years. It's been three _years_ and so much has happened and not enough has happened and he has no idea how to handle this – they're going on a five-year mission. Into the Gamma Quadrant. That is not something you can just return home from if it turns out the close proximity to the man you thought was the love of your life is just too much for you to handle in the long run.

Three years and he still doesn't have the faintest idea if he's ready – he thinks thirty years wouldn't have been enough to really get over him.

And Blaine _requested_ the transfer?

Kurt stops next to the turbolift, leaning back against the wall after making sure there's no one around, to press a hand over his heart. It's beating too fast and he doesn't really know how to slow it down.

Blaine always wanted to go as far as he could. He'd been talking about exploring, going out into deep space further than anyone ever had before, for as long as they'd been together. Kurt had loved his enthusiasm, had spent nights with his head in Blaine's lap, Blaine's fingers in his hair, looking up at him with a barely contained grin as Blaine talked, wide-eyed and barely taking the time to breathe, about the mission reports from the old Enterprise he had learned by heart. It is entirely possible that Blaine requested this transfer for the mission.

Oh god, Kurt hopes Blaine requested this transfer for the mission.

He can't deal with this, he doesn't have the time for this. They are on a tight schedule and then they're off into the Gamma Quadrant, there is no room for error here. There is no room for distraction.

Does Blaine know that Kurt is on this ship? Did he know before he asked to go on this mission?

It's been three years. It's been three years and that's just not enough time and Kurt doesn't have the time for any of this and it's been _three years_.

He has a ship to take care of.

Pushing himself off the wall he finally enters the turbolift to make his way to Britt's lab before he has to be in Main Engineering. There is a shift to get through and a repair and maintenance schedule to take care of. Everything else will just have to wait. It's not as if he can do anything about it at this point anyway. Blaine's going to come on board and they'll embark on a five-year mission together. They'll just have to find a way to live together without breaking each other all over again.

For now, Kurt has his repair schedule.

**

He happens to be off duty when they arrive at the starbase, and when Captain Sylvester asks him to meet Blaine and welcome him to the ship while she takes care of some last minute communications, he can't really refuse. She's the Captain. And also, it might be good to get it out of the way as soon as possible. Face him, talk to him, see what happens. Because he still has no clue; it feels a bit like being in shock. He's never believed in putting off the inevitable for too long, it won't get any easier if he doesn't get it over with right now.

“You know him, right?” she asks, walking next to him towards the mess hall.

“I do.” He nods. “We were – at the Academy. Um. Together.”

She grins. “That's not all of the story I heard about the two of you. Lieutenant Berry was quite forthcoming with a lot of personal information I don't really give a rat's ass about when I mentioned this to her earlier.”

He shakes his head firmly, going over his schedule to determine whether or not he has any time to squeeze in 'murdering Rachel' in the next few hours. “It's not important.”

“Whatever you say, Porcelain,” Captain Sylvester tells him before stopping to talk to a passing crewman, leaving him to head for the mess hall on his own. He's rather grateful for that.

Rachel intercepts him just as he's about to head for the replicator, a wide smile on her face.

“Kurt! Are you excited yet? I just heard about it earlier today.”

He sighs, squeezes his eyes closed for just a second, mentally preparing himself for the fact that, okay, apparently he is dealing with this right now before even getting his well-deserved lunch. “Rachel. What did you hear about?”

She bounces a little on her feet, squeals. “Lieutenant Blaine Anderson's coming on board!”

He nods. “Yes, I know.”

With a gasp, she stops, one hand gripping his shoulder. “Wait, it is your Blaine, isn't it? There isn't another one? Oh my god, did he – he didn't request the transfer to be with you, did he? That's so romantic, I can't -”

“No,” Kurt cuts her off, a bit more harshly than he meant to. “No, that's not – he didn't come here for me. I knew nothing about this. And we're not … we're not -” He falls silent, not quite knowing what to say. She knows him. She doesn't know Blaine very well, but she knows that for him, Blaine was The Guy. _The One_. She's helped him through the heartbreak once they both ended up on this ship and became friends. But he really doesn't feel like talking about this with her now. She may be a good friend when he needs one, but she's also a giant gossip and he does not need this all over the ship. No need to turn the past into a spectacle. He knows this ship. He knows this crew. They'll have a field day with this. He knows there has been wild speculation about his hermit-like ways and the fact that he's barely ever gone on a date in his three years of working here while the rest of the crew have tried pretty much every available dating combination possible. If they ever learned about this, he'd never live it down, and he really doesn't want that.

She just stares up at him with wide eyes and he swallows heavily, he knows she can guess what he's refusing to say merely from his awkward stammering. Perfect.

“This is amazing,” she whispers. “I bet he knew you were here and you've never -”

“Lieutenant,” he says, closes his eyes briefly, then gives her a pleading look. “Rachel. I can't – He's always wanted a deep space assignment. I can guarantee you that that's why he's here. We haven't – He probably didn't even know I was here. Okay? I'll greet him. I'll show him around. I'll escort him to the Captain's ready room once she's out of her call with Starfleet Command. But please don't make this into something it's not, okay? Just – please -” He's not sure what to say, not sure what he's pleading for. He just doesn't want her talking about it. There is nothing _to_ talk about. It's over. It's done. It's in the past.

“You don't have to be ashamed of this, Kurt,” she says quietly, still smiling as if this is the greatest news she has heard in weeks. “We all have old heartbreaks, it kind of comes with the job and never knowing where we're going next; I have been lucky, I know, but we can't all be Finn and I, and even we could be torn apart until he finally stops being silly about it and asks me to marry him -”

“You could ask him first, Rachel,” Kurt points out, but she brushes it aside with a wave of her hand.

“You do remember about my Academy boyfriend, don't you? I told you about him. Jesse and I, we were -” she sighs, puts her free hand over her heart dramatically. “We were both just too ambitious, I guess. But I remember how hard it was to say goodbye to him back then. But at least I had Finn to lean on and when our mutual respect finally blossomed into deeper feelings -”

“Rachel,” he interrupts her. He really just doesn't want to talk about it. “I know. Blaine and I – we were friends, okay?” It's not a lie. Blaine used to be his best friend. The best friend he's ever had in his life. “I'm okay to show him around. Just please, _please_ don't make a bigger deal out of this than it is.”

She winks at him conspiratorially and squeezes his arm. “You can count on me,” she promises, and with another wide and way too delighted smile turns on her heels and flounces off in the direction of the replicator.

He barely suppresses a groan, presses the heels of his hands to his eyes as he tries to get his heartbeat back under control. With another deep breath he drops his hands, straightens his shoulders, and hurries after her.

**

Pretty much everyone leaves the ship at the starbase. It makes sense; they're headed out into the unknown, and who knows when they'll have the chance again to be just hanging out in some bar and play dom-jot or even a nice round of Vulcan chess with strangers. Nobody really knows what's waiting for them at the far side of the Gamma Quadrant.

Kurt knows he'd have left the ship too, at some point – if only to have a look around and engage in some recreational activities that are not holographic simulations. But now that he has to leave the ship, has to meet their new crew member and bring him on board, suddenly he feels a lot less enthusiastic about the prospect than he had before, and he hadn't exactly been ecstatic about the short stay at the base to begin with. Now there's the added problem of – well, Blaine.

He's getting ready for his shift that morning when the Captain sends him a message informing him she's set up his meeting with Blaine for pretty much the minute they dock at the starbase, and Kurt clenches his jaw, presses his lips into a straight line, and fixes his hair, straightens his uniform before he leaves for Main Engineering. Maybe this isn't such a bad thing. He'll get it over with as soon as possible and then it will be done.

This is a good thing. Probably.

It's a thing he can't do anything about either way. So he might as well just focus on his actual work until it's time to face it.

He honestly doesn't get why they can't just beam Blaine aboard and meet him in the transporter room, the way it's done with anyone else joining them on the ship. Instead, he's to meet Blaine and entertain him on the starbase until the Captain can meet them by the transporter and welcome him officially. Captain Sylvester doesn't have much patience for running a ship the traditional way. Usually he likes that about her. Right now, it's a bit irritating. She's also volunteered him to give Blaine the official tour afterwards.

“Have you _seen_ my repair schedule?” he had complained to her. “Why can't someone else do it?”

“Because I am your _Captain_ , and I have decided that you're the best person for the job,” she'd reprimanded him, and he'd squeezed his eyes closed so as to not scream at her.

“ _Captain_. I'm sure someone from Stellar Cartography or the Geo Lab would be happy to -”

“This is not up for debate, _Lieutenant Hummel_. I want _you_ to do it. Recalibrating the deflector array can wait another few hours, I'm sure.”

He'd sighed and given up arguing because he knows full well that there is no point and really, he'll just have to get it over with one way or another.

So he dives into work, has lunch in the mess hall with Tina and Puck, and finishes his shift very careful to not think about what he has to do afterwards.

Still, before he really knows where the day went he is already beaming down to the starbase and walking down the short corridor towards Blaine's temporary living quarters where he's been staying since the Dalton dropped him off here, and tries very hard to breathe normally. It's not easy.

_You can get through this_ , he tells himself. _It's an assignment like any other. Just relax. Breathe. It's been years. This means nothing. You can do it._

He straightens his uniform one more time as he stops in front of the door, careful to take calm, measured breaths, resists the urge to run a hand over his hair to make sure it's all still perfectly in place – he had very pointedly _not_ fixed it in the mirror before leaving the ship, had _not_ taken the time to check over his appearance just one more time. Because there's no point. He's not here to impress. He's here as a Starfleet officer on an official assignment from his commanding officer.

Determinedly, he signals his arrival on the small panel next to the door and waits, shoulders back, back straight, head held high.

The door opens just a moment later, and, greeted by dark, gelled back hair and huge triangular eyebrows and beautiful, soft, golden-brown eyes and a face he knows so well, it feels as if the bottom drops right out of his stomach.

Blaine looks the same he did three years ago, still just a bit shorter than Kurt, still wearing the most ridiculously charming smile, still so mind-blowingly beautiful Kurt almost forgets how to breathe after all.

He still looks exactly like the man Kurt had loved so desperately much he hadn't even known how to handle his feelings for him. He looks like his best friend.

And all he feels as he looks at him is emptiness.

Blaine meets his eyes and smiles at him and Kurt feels like he's going to have to throw up or burst into tears or turn on his heels and run away.

Instead, he remembers his assignment, twists his mouth into a smile, says, “Hello, Blaine.”


	3. Chapter 3

Two days Blaine has had to spend at the starbase since the Dalton dropped him off, waiting for the New Directions to arrive and pick him up. Two days with really not all that much to do, and he'd taken a few walks in the gardens out on the planet surface and visited Bonestell Recreation Facility for just one drink and some light and easy conversation, but had left again pretty quickly – he had felt much too jittery to make new friends and he wasn't going to stick around for much longer here anyway.

Two days and he's feeling just about ready to burst with – he doesn't know what, just knows that he can't sleep well anymore, has trouble sitting still for too long.

Captain Sylvester had spoken to him via subspace just after his arrival at the starbase, informing him that she'd be tied up with a few last-minute tasks before embarking on their mission and wouldn't have time to welcome him on board immediately, but that she'd send someone to greet him and be with them as soon as her other duties permitted.

He had tried to assure her that it wasn't necessary, that he could very well just wait until she was free and meet up at her earliest convenience, but she'd simply shaken her head at him as if he was being entirely ridiculous.

“I'll be sending Lieutenant Hummel. You two know each other from the Academy, don't you? He's off duty when we arrive and it'll be nice for the two of you to have a chance to catch up, I'm sure. Not that I care all that much about that.”

He'd swallowed, tried very hard to keep his face neutral. “Yes, I know him. Okay. Thank you. I look forward to – um.”

“Yes, I'm sure you are,” she'd said and ended the communication. He hasn't heard from her since, but from everything his friends have told him, this pretty much matches her leadership style exactly.

Now, he's waiting.

Two days are up; he'd received a message with the New Directions estimated arrival time, and he's pacing his small, temporary living quarters. His heart is fluttering impatiently in his chest, palms sweating with nervousness. He doesn't know what's going to happen. He doesn't know what to expect.

He does know that he's going to see Kurt again. Any minute now, they're going to be face to face, touching distance, and oh god he can't calm down, he doesn't know how to contain this feeling, how is he supposed to get through this without bursting from the anticipation alone?

Even with no idea what's going to happen, he feels like … like … There aren't really words for it, he thinks. He's scared, but also excited; he can't sit still but has no idea where to go or what to do with himself.

He could already be on the base, could already be walking down the corridor right now at this very moment, how ridiculous would it be to leave this room and run towards him, just to close the remaining space between them that much faster? But oh god, he just wants to _see_ him again, now that he knows he can have that, he doesn't know anymore how he's ever made it through the past three years without the promise of this at the end of every day.

The door alarm sounds and he almost literally jumps three feet in the air; his heart cartwheels in his chest and then starts _racing_ as he stumbles the few steps over to the door, pushes the panel to make it slide open and...

...there he is. _Kurt_. Right in front of him, long-limbed and slender and straight-backed, high-styled hair and soft blue eyes and perfect cheekbones and pale, freckled skin and – he is still so _heartbreakingly_ beautiful – Blaine has to physically restrain himself from letting that overjoyed little laugh escape his throat; his palms are tingling and his skin feels too tight; it's been three years, but seeing him standing there, right in front of him – just, oh god, he has no idea what he's feeling but it's mostly really, really good.

It's _Kurt_.

Blaine knows he's probably grinning like an idiot, he has no control over whatever his face muscles are doing right now. Kurt is _here_.

“Hello, Blaine,” Kurt says, and it's all Blaine can do not to weep at the lovely, lovely sound of his perfect voice. He's missed this voice so much it hurts to hear it again, prickling hot pain like blood flowing back into a numbed limb.

“Kurt,” he says, and it comes out only a little breathy. “Hi.”

Kurt's not smiling, not really, he's pale, mouth pressed into a thin line, and his eyes are light blue; Blaine can see how tall he's holding himself, controlled, contained, careful. 

Well, it has been a really long time. Of course Kurt is as nervous as he is himself.

“Would you like to come in?” Blaine asks, remembering his manners after all that awkward staring. He does think they both have a perfectly valid excuse for the momentary lapse; this is kind of a really, really big moment for the both of them.

Kurt opens his mouth, seems to hesitate. “I – um. We could – I don't know when Captain Sylvester will be available. It might be a while, we, um, could – I don't know my way around here -”

“There are a few cafés,” Blaine tells him. “If you'd rather -” he swallows. He doesn't really want to go to a public space, not until he has himself under control a little more. “If you wanted. We could find one. You've just come off duty, right? You probably want a cup of coffee or something, we could -”

“No, no,” Kurt hurries to say. “That's okay. I don't need – we don't have to. We can just – um. I really don't know when Captain Sylvester will be ready...”

It's awkward and Blaine doesn't want it to be awkward, but he doesn't know what to do about it, is a little too overwhelmed to really figure all of this out right now.

“No, I know, she said. I would have, I mean I could have waited – Won't you come in? Please?” he asks again, almost desperately. He just kind of really wants to close the door on the rest of the world and have some time with Kurt alone at least until his heart finds its normal rhythm again.

Kurt – hesitates, again, something almost like doubt in his eyes as he looks at the tiny living quarters over Blaine's shoulders. Blaine can see him lift his head higher, steeling himself, taking a deep breath.

“Okay,” he says. “Okay, yes. Thank you.”

And Blaine steps back to let him through, let him into the room, and has to close his eyes as Kurt walks past him and he catches just a whiff of his hair product – it smells like he still uses the same he remembers from the last time they'd been together and Blaine wants to cry and fall down at his feet and wrap him up in his arms and press his face against the warm skin of his neck; he wants too many things all at once and he cannot stop wanting them and he is so, so glad that Kurt is here. So very glad.

Of course it's all a little weird right now. That was to be expected, wasn't it? It's been three years. They'll need a little while. But then they'll be okay. He has all the faith in the world in that.

Because now that he has Kurt here with him again, all he wants is to stay with him. Spend time with him.

And he doesn't even know yet if Kurt is seeing someone; maybe he's not even – No. He won't be thinking about all of that right now; there's time for all of that, they can't rush this. He can't rush this. Kurt deserves more than that. He doesn't even know what Kurt _wants_. If he even wants anything at all. He can't get ahead of himself like this just because he's excited.

Blaine closes the door and turns to him, smiles as their eyes meet across the room, Kurt standing next to the small table in the corner with his hands carefully clasped behind his back, the answering smile on his face slow and tentative.

But at least he is smiling.

That's good, right?

**

Blaine won't stop smiling and Kurt has no idea what to do.

He's in Blaine's room, they're alone, all by themselves, and he's had dreams of this, the first few months after they'd said goodbye. Nights filled with the image of Blaine's face, Blaine's smile, the softness of Blaine's touch – never real but always heartbreaking. He'd imagined what it would be like, how it might happen – some coincidence putting them back on the same ship; he'd been able to picture it so very clearly, the smile on Blaine's face, the way he'd look at him. As if Kurt was the best thing in the whole entire universe.

Kind of like the way Blaine is looking at him right now.

Only it's not a few months after their break up anymore. It's years later. He's given up on those dreams a long time ago, once he'd been able to convince his heart how childish and unrealistic they were.

And yet here they are and Blaine is looking at him as if he's beautiful and Kurt has been so careful, so extremely careful, to stay away from even the possibility of anyone ever looking at him like that ever again, because he'd just known he couldn't survive that kind of heartbreak again. There is no way he's going to make himself go through something like that a second time.

“Uh, would you, um, like something to drink?” Blaine asks, sounding a bit tentative, probably picking up on Kurt's weird mood. Blaine had always been good at picking up on Kurt's moods even when he'd been able to fool the rest of the world. Blaine had always known.

“No, that's okay,” Kurt says quickly, then mentally kicks himself because being busy with a drink in hand, even just a glass of water, would have at least given him something to do.

“Okay.” Blaine makes a move as if to walk over to him, then hesitates. “Anything else? Are you – hungry? I mean, I don't actually have anything and the replicators aren't that good -”

“It's fine, Blaine,” Kurt quickly assures him, voice a little harsher than he meant it to be. “I don't need anything.”

Blaine nods, his smile flickering, but his eyes never leaving Kurt's face, and Kurt can see that damned gentleness in his gaze. That affection, pure and unfiltered, that has no right being there anymore after all that distance that has stretched across light years these past few years.

“So,” Blaine tries again, taking one slow step closer, gesturing for the chairs pushed under the table, signaling for Kurt to take a seat if he wants to. “How – have you been?”

Kurt almost has to laugh, this entire situation is so beyond ridiculous. And that question – he just doesn't know where to even _start_. Because he's been heartbroken and lonely and sad, but he's also really, truly been _okay_. It's been three years. Things have happened. He's made it from ensign to lieutenant, as has Blaine. He's been made Assistant Chief Engineer. He loves his work, he loves his ship, he has real friends aboard the New Directions. He's been fine. Happy, even, with his work and his friends. It's been three years full of ups and downs and he has literally no idea how to summarize all of those long days and weeks and months to the one person who used to know everything about his days and nights for so long.

“I've – been fine, thank you,” he settles on finally. “Busy, you know? But, yeah, it's been – good. I like what I do. I've been – good. I've been good.” He takes a deep breath. “What about you?”

“Uh, no, good too,” Blaine says, walking over finally and Kurt pulls out one of the chairs, sits down at the small table as Blaine does the same.

“You liked the Dalton?”

Blaine nods. “I did. It was – yeah, I really did.”

Kurt can't hold back the question. “Then why did you leave it? Captain Sylvester said you requested the transfer.”

Blaine's smile is almost sheepish. “Deep space,” he says, pulls an embarrassed little grimace, shrugs at Kurt and grins. “You know how I always wanted to go, just … away.”

Kurt lets out a short little laugh that surprises even himself. “Yeah. I remember.”

“So, I heard that you guys needed someone for the bio lab and I just, I had to, you know?”

“I'm not surprised,” Kurt tells him. “In fact, I probably should have known that you would.”

“I didn't even -” Blaine breaks off, bites his lip, looks down at the table top where he's drawing random patterns over a coffee stain with his index finger. “I didn't know you were still on board. I mean, I thought you might be, but I want you to know, I -” he sighs. “I really wanted the assignment, but I was so happy when I read that you were still there. I just -” He falls silent, shrugs again, doesn't meet Kurt's eyes.

And Kurt wants to _scream_ , because what does this even _mean_? 

He wants to ask. He just wants to _know. Did you do this for me?_ But he doesn't know _how_ to ask it. He doesn't know if he should, because what if he doesn't like the answer? He's not even sure what he would like Blaine to say in response to that question.

“I'm glad you're getting the opportunity to go out into deep space,” he settles on. “And so early on in your career too.”

Blaine nods, finally looks back up at him. “I'm lucky like that,” he says, and Kurt can't quite read the expression in his eyes.

In the end, it's only half an hour before Sue contacts him, tells him to beam aboard already because she's ready to greet Blaine right now. 

He's grateful – this is not the end of this particular assignment, he already knows that. He's already been 'volunteered' to show Blaine around the ship as well. But at least they'll have something to do and won't have to make stilted conversation in a way too small temporary room on board a starbase where they really just don't have anything to do.

He walks with him to one of the starbase's transporter platforms, carrying one of Blaine's two rather large suitcases, and he has to bite back a smile; so many of his friends have arrived on the ship over the years carrying one little duffel bag with their spare uniforms and the handful of personal items they take with them – usually one framed photograph of their loved ones, the occasional old-fashioned book, a few spare civilian clothes.

But Kurt knows Blaine. He knows how sentimental he is. Blaine holds onto things. He'll have more than one framed photograph in there. Blaine also loves books. Real old books on paper. He'll also have bow ties in there. Blaine and his bow ties. Kurt remembers teasing him about them good-naturedly the first few times they went out their first year at the Academy. He remembers staying up the night before Blaine's seventeenth birthday after they'd been together just a few short months, sewing one for him by hand. He wonders if Blaine still has it. He wonders if it's maybe in the very suitcase Kurt is carrying right now. He has no idea if Blaine would have wanted to keep the reminder once they'd broken up. But he actually kind of thinks that Blaine probably has.

They beam aboard and Sue – Captain Sylvester – is waiting for them in transporter room, arms crossed in front of her chest, her eyes zeroing in on Blaine as soon as they appear on the transporter platform.

Kurt steps down, setting Blaine's suitcase down next to the wall, looks up at her. “Here we are.”

“Yes, thank you, I can see that,” she answers, still looking Blaine up and down who sets his suitcase down still on the platform and salutes. 

“Lieutenant Anderson reporting for duty, sir.”

She huffs out a breath. “Now there is absolutely no need for _that_ ,” she says. “Put your hand down, you look silly. And don't call me sir.”

Blaine quickly lowers his hand and Kurt can see the confused flicker in his eyes. “Of course. Um – Ma'am?”

“ _Captain_ will do,” Sue corrects him. “For future reference.”

“Oh.” Blaine blushes. “Of course. Captain. I apologize.”

“For what?” she asks, drops her own arms, takes a step closer. “You're shorter than I expected,” she points out in a completely neutral voice. “Well, I guess it doesn't matter as long as you can reach all the instruments in the bio lab.”

Blaine casts a quick look at Kurt who can't do much more than shrug at him apologetically – maybe he should have warned him, he thinks. He's used to it by now, but new crew members often need a while to really understand the way Sue talks.

“I'm – uh.” Blaine clears his throat. “Glad to be here. I've always wanted -”

“Yeah, whatever.” She waves a hand, shakes her head. “I read your file and your request. Obviously you have earned your place here. So, welcome on board, and I'll see you at oh-eight-hundred tomorrow morning for a little welcome-on-board briefing where you will also meet Lieutenant Pierce who is our Chief Exobiologist and Lieutenant-Commander Gilbert who is our ship's physician. I understand you're a trained EMT?”

Blaine nods. “Yes, s- … Captain.”

“Good. I trust you don't mind volunteering for some extra tasks around sickbay, then.”

Blaine blinks at her. “...Not at all.”

“Good to hear, since I already had you put on the shift rotation. Now, if you'll excuse me – Lieutenant Porcelain will show you around the rest of the ship. I have things to take care of and I haven't yelled at Planetary Geosciences yet today.” And with that she turns on her heels and strides from the room.

Blaine turns to Kurt, opening and closing his mouth a few times as if he's not quite sure what he wants to say.

“You'll get used to her,” Kurt promises quickly.

“Porcelain?” Blaine finally asks.

Kurt just shrugs. “She thinks it's funny.”

“She seems -”

“Eccentric?”

“To say the least.”

Kurt shrugs again. “She is. Half of the time, I kind of wish she'd get sucked into the event horizon of a type-four quantum singularity. As do most of us, actually. But she's brilliant. If you overlook her extremely grating personality.”

Blaine's eyes widen in shock and Kurt remembers that the rest of Starfleet probably doesn't talk about their commanding officers this way.

“Don't worry,” He quickly adds. “She keeps up very strict discipline on board the ship, but you can always tell her exactly what you think of her to her face and she'll see it as strength of character or something. She values honesty above all else. She still might eviscerate you, but she'll do it respecting you.”

Blaine still looks a bit unsure, but nods. “I'll get used to her.”

Kurt offers a smile, picks up Blaine's suitcase again. “Ready to see the rest of your new home?”

“Of course!” Blaine smiles back. “Lead the way.”

**

“And these will be your quarters,” Kurt tells Blaine, indicating the door right in front of them, smiling. It's getting easier to smile at him the more they talk – maybe they can do this, after all. Talking with Blaine, being friends with him, had always been easy, after all.

“Nice,” Blaine says as the door opens and he walks inside, Kurt following after him to put Blaine's suitcase down next to the door. “Roomy.”

“Intrepid class quarters are a serious step up from what you're used to on that old Galaxy class thing you've been flying around in.” Kurt grins at him.

“Hey, don't insult the Dalton!” Blaine laughs. “No, but, really. This is wonderful. And I don't have to share?”

Kurt shakes his head. “All yours. We're a small crew and we have the room.”

“So -” Blaine hesitates, lowers his eyes a bit, licks his lips, and blinks up at Kurt from under his thick lashes. It gives a whole new weight to his next question. “Are you on Deck four too?”

Kurt swallows, feels his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. They're _friends_ and coworkers and of course Blaine wants to know where the only other person he knows on board lives, but it's the silent, implied question that he's fairly certain he can make out from Blaine's tone alone that makes him really, seriously uncomfortable. “No, I'm on Deck nine.”

“Well, you'll have to show me eventually,” Blaine says as if it means nothing, and he's still only just meeting Kurt's gaze, looking the tiniest bit nervous through his wide smile. “Maybe we can reinstate movie nights, that was always a lot of fun.”

“Blaine,” Kurt says, quietly, tries very hard to keep his voice steady.

“You still like movies, don't you?” Blaine asks, right hand fiddling with the hem of his left sleeve as he blushes a little. “You used to love late twentieth century musicals, I never could stop you from singing along -”

“Blaine, don't,” Kurt says, a little louder, and Blaine falls silent, looks at him.

“Sorry.”

“No, I'm -” Kurt says, waves a hand, doesn't even know what he's meaning to say.

“Are you – um.” Blaine stands there, very still, eyes wide and serious as he lowers his head again. “Are you – seeing someone? I know it's none of my business, I just -”

“It's been three years, Blaine,” Kurt says.

“I know. I know it's been … I just -”

“Three years is a long time, I -”

“No, god, I know, I didn't mean -”

“I'm not, by the way,” Kurt tells him, heart beating too fast, he just wants to get out of this room and yet he can't stop talking. “I'm not seeing anyone.”

“I'm not either,” Blaine says, voice low.

“It's still been three years.”

“...I wasn't asking you out,” Blaine says, almost defensively. “I just – I really do want to have movie night again. If you – You don't have to, of course. But … I just really used to love our movie nights. And I've missed them. And I don't know what else to do here yet.”

“We have some really amazing holodeck programs,” Kurt tells him. “Everything you could possibly want. And if we don't have it, just ask Artie, he can program everything.”

Blaine frowns, a little lost. “Artie?”

“Ensign Abrams,” Kurt corrects himself. “Conn officer and self-declared holo-programming genius.” Kurt smiles. “He's not wrong about that, though.”

Blaine still looks a little lost. “I guess I'll meet all of them soon enough,” he says.

And Kurt looks at him, really looks at him, quiets the loud protests of his aching heart as he takes in Blaine's small, shaky attempt at a smile, the way he's fiddling with the hem of his sleeve with one hand, and he remembers that he's new here, that he doesn't know anyone, hasn't even seen the rest of the ship yet let alone the crew. Kurt knows that Blaine will be making friends soon enough, Blaine is so inherently _loveable_ it'll only take days for him to be accepted into their midst. But he also _knows_ Blaine. He knows his insecurities, his need for reassurance and how much he needs to feel like he belongs. And he knows that he'll do anything he can to make Blaine feel welcome here because no matter how hard it is for him to be standing here with him after everything, it's probably worse for Blaine, and he just wants to help him. He's always been protective of him.

“I miss our movie nights too,” he admits. “Maybe – maybe we could – No one on this ship ever wants to watch musicals with me.”

“I want to,” Blaine promises. “If it's not too – weird. Um.”

“It's not weird if we don't let it be weird,” Kurt assures him, even though he's not at all sure that that's the truth.

Blaine's answering smile is so bright, so grateful, so full of hope, and Kurt just kind of wants to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

Blaine's a science officer, head of their brand-new exobiology department and doubling as a reserve emergency medical technician, and Kurt spends most of his days in main engineering or crawling through Jefferies tubes on his belly. They really shouldn't ever be running into each other unless there was something malfunctioning in Blaine's lab or if their lunch or dinner times happened to coincide. And yet, it seems, he simply cannot escape Blaine's presence on the ship. Wherever Kurt goes, a lot of the time Blaine seems to already be there, or show up just moments later.

They keep running into each other in the mess hall, and of course Kurt lets Blaine sit with him – anything else would just be rude. They're in all the same staff meetings for some reason. Things keep breaking around Blaine's lab and Kurt has to fix them. And then there's movie night, of course.

Kurt does his best to keep the appropriate distance, to make it very, very clear to Blaine whenever they do run into each other that they are friends and nothing more, but still he isn't a hundred percent sure that Blaine understands what he thought he'd told him quite clearly the day he'd come on board. That three years distance is still three years distance and that Kurt has no intention and no interest in picking up where they left off. Things have changed. _They_ both have changed. They both have lives and things to do and they're not at the Academy anymore, and Kurt really isn't interested in dating – anyone really, and least of all Blaine because honestly, he doesn't need to go through _that_ again, not when he can remember so very well how much it had hurt the last time they did this.

He knows Blaine is confused. Hell, he's confused himself; he simply doesn't know how to act or what to do and mostly he just wishes Blaine had never come on board at all, it doesn't matter how nice it is to see him again. It hurts more than it helps, most of the time.

A week after Blaine's come on board and they're well under way on their mission, they have their first movie night. 

Kurt knows he can't get out of it; he promised Blaine, and Kurt always keeps his promises. Besides, it's true what he told Blaine: no one ever does want to watch musicals with him. Well. Except for Rachel, but he's given up asking her a while ago because as much as he loves her, she has the annoying tendency to talk all the way through the movie or sing along during the parts that Kurt just really wants to hear from the actors because he enjoys their voices and he _knows_ Rachel's voice already; or she keeps bringing Finn who loves music well enough but isn't really a big fan of old musicals. Not that Finn is actually watching the movies when Rachel brings him; usually he's too busy making out with Rachel right there in Kurt's quarters and Kurt really doesn't appreciate loud kissing noises in his own room while he's being ignored and trying to watch a movie.

He's asked himself a few times if he and Blaine had been equally obnoxious back at the Academy, but somehow he doesn't think so. At least that's not really the way he remembers it. He thinks they were actually very well behaved most of the time.

They were also the couple everyone expected to stay together. And sometimes he just really doesn't understand why they didn't, how they could ever let it just get to the point where they were assigned to different ships and had to say goodbye, without ever even – trying anything. They could have tried. They could have done … something. Get married, he thinks. That's not a guarantee either, not always. But they could have tried. He can't remember why neither of them asked the other back then. He'd dreamed of being Blaine's husband more than once. He'd kind of expected it to happen sooner or later. He'd been quite sure that it would. Only then it never did.

And now they're having movie night and Kurt has no idea what's going to happen or how they're even going to do this; ever since they got together when they were sixteen years old they have never watched a movie without cuddling in some way or at least holding each other's hands if there were other people present. Now he's not even sure how close they should be sitting together.

But he's promised Blaine that they would do this and Kurt keeps his promises. He knows how much Blaine needs friends and needs to feel like he belongs and he's been here for one week and Kurt has seen him talking to Sam a few times, seen him laughing with Tina, and he knows that Rachel at least thinks that Blaine is charming and worth knowing. He's also seen the way Finn has looked at Blaine, though, observed the weird tension between them he couldn't really understand. He's seen Blaine's confused and unsettled reaction to his first meeting with Santana where she had introduced herself as Lieutenant-Commander Lopez, head of security, and then promptly insulted his height _and_ his hair. And he just wants to help Blaine feel at home here, and movie night is something old and familiar. He can do this. For Blaine.

He goes straight back to his quarters after his shift to take a shower and change out of his uniform and into one of his preferred movie-watching outfits: soft pants and a thick, loose sweater – comfortable clothes he can sit in for hours. He doesn't need to go by the mess hall for dinner, they always used to eat together while watching their movies and that's what they're doing tonight too.

Blaine arrives right on time and Kurt invites him in. Blaine has changed out of his uniform too and his dark jeans and red polo shirt with the obligatory off-duty bow tie around his neck make Kurt's heart clench almost painfully in his chest. He looks like the same Blaine from three years ago.

“Hi,” Blaine says softly, his smile almost shy.

“Hi.” Kurt clears his throat when his voice comes out rougher than he'd intended. “Come in. Um – make yourself comfortable. I've – uh. I was thinking … pizza? With the movie?”

Blaine's face lights up as he nods. “That sounds great, yes. I'm hungry.”

“Good,” Kurt says. “I mean, yeah, me too.”

“I haven't had pizza in ages,” Blaine confesses. “It's movie night food for me, somehow.”

Kurt nods, making his way over to the replicator. “I've had it a few times when I tried watching movies with Rachel, but she didn't like it and so we usually ended up eating in the mess hall with the others before coming back here to watch a movie.”

“I never got the replicators on the Dalton to make it the way I wanted it,” Blaine says, sighs. “It was always either too soggy or too salty or not greasy enough.”

Kurt laughs. “Oh my god, yes. It took me, like, five months almost to program the recipe the way I liked it. And I didn't exactly have a lot of help from anyone, they all have no taste when it comes to good food.”

“Oh!” Blaine bounces a little on the heels of his feet. “We need popcorn for later! Can we have popcorn?”

“Of course we can.” Kurt turns away, smiling at the replicator in front of him; Blaine's enthusiasm makes his heart beat too fast in his chest. “It isn't a real movie night if there isn't popcorn.”

“I'm glad we still agree on that,” Blaine says happily and drops down on Kurt's small couch. “Hey, have you thought about what you'd like to watch?”

“Not really,” Kurt admits, he just knows it's got to be anything but _Moulin Rouge_ because he must have listened to _Come What May_ about a thousand times after that day back on Earth when they'd parted ways, as a weird way of torturing himself with the memories it brought up. He can't listen to it again right now because he just knows that there is no way it won't make him cry.

“Well,” Blaine says, “I have every single one we used to love with me, so whatever you want!”

Kurt shrugs his shoulders. “I don't know. You choose. I just – I don't know.”

“Oh,” Blaine says, “Okay.”

And Kurt can hear the hint of disappointment in his voice – they used to have week-long debates over which movie they should watch next. It used to be a _thing_ for them. A way to connect. He feels bad for denying Blaine this ritual; he's never been able to live with disappointing Blaine.

“Is there anything you haven't watched in a long time?” Kurt asks.

“I haven't seen any of them in a long time,” Blaine says noncommittally. “Happy or sad? What are you in the mood for?”

Kurt doesn't even need to think about that. “Happy. Please.” He's had enough roller-coaster-up-and-down crap in his life these past few days, he really doesn't need to see drama in a movie as well. He just wants to be distracted. As much as that is possible while Blaine is still acting as if nothing has really changed at all between them.

“Okay, I'll just see what we have, then. Shall I?” Blaine suggests, and Kurt nods, relieved, throws a little smile at him over his shoulder.

“Sounds good to me.”

“We have pretty much the same taste in movies anyway,” Blaine says, and Kurt's nods, doesn't look at him as he gets their dinner from the replicator.

**

Two weeks on board the New Directions Blaine can find his way around, he's got used to the new lab, he knows people's faces in the mess hall when he gets his meals and always has someone to sit with. He misses his friends from the Dalton every single day, but he's making new friends on this ship, and he's quite sure by now that he's going to have a good time with them on their five-year mission.

He gets along really great with Sam; Tina has already become a good friend to him, and he thinks that he is kind of sort of on his way to rekindling his friendship with Kurt. At least – he hopes so.

It's not easy, being around Kurt, but not for any of the reasons Blaine had feared before coming here. Kurt doesn't seem to hate him or have a problem with him being on board. Kurt is single, he's not seeing anyone, doesn't even really show interest in anyone. Well, he is really close with Elliott, the ship's Chief Medical Officer, but then Blaine is pretty sure they're only friends. _Pretty_ sure. He doesn't really want to ask, partly because he doesn't know what he'd do if Kurt told him that he did indeed have feelings for Elliott, but also partly because – he's not sure at all if Kurt would answer him or simply withdraw and tell him that a lot had changed over the past three years.

They do get along, but Kurt is still distant. He never outright dismisses Blaine, but he never seeks him out either. He's polite and even friendly, but it never goes any further than that, and frankly it's frustrating, they used to be _best friends_.

And if he's quite honest he had hoped that Kurt might be a bit more enthusiastic about being close to him again too. But every time Blaine tries to initiate anything – meals together, going to the holodeck, just hanging out after their shifts – Kurt makes up an excuse and walks away. And Blaine really doesn't know how to read his reactions. Kurt never used to walk away from him. Not ever before. It used to be so easy for them; friendship had come so easy when they first met. They didn't even have to try, they just clicked, they just got each other right from the start and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.

Now, Blaine can barely even get Kurt to sit down for lunch with him. 

They did have their movie night and they have already scheduled the next one, but Blaine cannot quite shake the thought that Kurt agreed to it because while they're watching movies together they don't really have to talk, and he doesn't have the heart to turn down every single one of Blaine's attempts at reconnecting.

It hurts, having to feel like an inconvenience like this. He is quite sure that Kurt doesn't mean it like that. He knows Kurt. And the Kurt he knows could never mean to hurt him. But it still does hurt and he doesn't like it. He just wishes Kurt would talk to him about whatever it is he is obviously worried about. But he can't _make_ him talk to him if Kurt doesn't want to and Blaine just simply doesn't know what to do anymore, feels kind of confused and a bit hopeless.

He never wants to make Kurt feel uncomfortable. He wants to respect all of his boundaries and if Kurt wants to maintain this professional distance between them and never get any closer to Blaine again, then Blaine is going to live with that too and be the best friend he can be to Kurt, or simply respect him from a distance. Whatever Kurt needs from him.

But he'd really just like to understand all of it. Most of all, he'd really just like to spend time with him, but if he can't have that, then he'd at least like to know why. Because – whenever they are together, he does get the feeling that Kurt is enjoying it and he really doesn't want to be a jerk about any of it but _what does it mean_?

Kurt's already in the mess hall when Blaine enters, quite focused on his meal, apparently, and Blaine takes his time getting himself a plate of lasagna and a tall glass of soda, debating whether or not he wants to go over there and offer his company.

It feels _weird_ having to think about this; he knows Kurt, they are part of the same crew, they have known each other for years, they share a love for twentieth century musicals and they used to be inseparable. He should not have any reason at all to not go over there and ask him if he can sit with him.

And the thing is, if he doesn't ask to sit with him, that's rude too, isn't it? But at the same time in their particular situation and with the way Kurt seems to want to avoid any social situations that are not movie night, it might also be rude to actually ask him to sit with him?

Blaine sighs, holds on firmly to his plate and his glass and makes his way over to Kurt's table. Because screw all of this. Kurt is a grown man and he's not shy, if he doesn't want to sit with Blaine he can tell him that. Blaine has been on the ship for weeks now and he simply doesn't understand Kurt's behavior and he has done nothing wrong, he is not _going_ to do anything wrong, all he is planning to do is ask his friend if he can sit and eat with him.

He stops on the opposite side of the table and before he can even clear his throat to signal his presence, Kurt lifts his head, looks up at him, looks startled for a moment. “Blaine. Hi.”

“Uh, hi,” Blaine says, finally does clear his throat just to stall for time and calm his nerves and this is _ridiculous_. “Anyone sitting here?”

A small grin tugs at the corners of Kurt's mouth, just for a second. “Except for me? No. Have a seat. Please.”

“Okay, thanks,” Blaine says, hurries to sit down after putting his meal on the table in front of him. “I didn't want to interrupt or anything.”

“I'm not busy,” Kurt assures him, “just hungry.”

Blaine nods, can't help but let out a short laugh. “God, yes, me too.”

“Long shift?”

“Insane,” Blaine confirms. “Brittany has ideas for recalibrating some of our sensors that are actually really exciting but also sound like they're technologically at least five hundred years in the future and … yeah. We're busy.”

Kurt grins and rolls his eyes. “Brittany is a genius, but sometimes it is a bit difficult to keep up with her and follow her train of thought. I've given myself more than one headache in the past trying to figure out the schematics she drew up for changes she wanted us to make to her lab.”

“Oh, we'll probably need you tomorrow or sometime within the next few days to help us set up a few things,” Blaine tells him. “Well, you or someone else from engineering, as soon as the Captain has approved Brittany's plans.”

“I'm sure she will,” Kurt says. “She usually does. She has a tendency for going along with the more radically insane ideas and discarding anything she deems 'too safe.' A lot of us think that that's the reason the New Directions was picked for this deep space assignment. To send someone who can think on their feet and isn't afraid to get a bit creative if challenges present themselves.”

“Makes sense,” Blaine confirms. “Who knows what we're going to run into out there.”

Kurt nods. “ Are you excited? I mean, this is what you always wanted, after all. You must be so glad that we're finally on the way.”

“It is exciting.” Blaine takes a sip of his soda, can't suppress the wide smile. “Just think about it, Kurt, all the possibilities -”

“I know.” Kurt smiles back tentatively. “I'm really glad that you're getting the opportunity, Blaine.”

Blaine keeps his eyes on Kurt's until Kurt lowers his gaze first and he can't figure out if it's really progress; maybe it doesn't even mean anything. But he'll take this as a good sign. Kurt is not completely averse to Blaine's presence on the ship and that's, at the very least, a reason for hope, isn't it?

**

Kurt's on his way to Main Engineering the next day when the doors of the turbolift open and Blaine steps in, face lighting up as he sees Kurt already standing there.

“Hi,” he greets brightly.

“Hi,” Kurt says back, shifting closer to the wall to make room for Blaine the way he would for anyone else. He still kind of _feels_ Blaine watching him moving away from him, he can _feel_ him reading into it, and he doesn't know how to stop him from doing that.

“How's – engineering?” Blaine asks.

Kurt shrugs. “It's good.” He'd kind of really like to be back there now. “How's the lab?”

“Yeah, good,” Blaine says quickly. “The adjustments are coming along nicely.”

“Good,” Kurt says before awkward silence stretches between them.

He doesn't know what to do about these silences. The other day at the mess hall they were fine just talking. And it's not that he's having an off day; he just ran into Mike a half an hour before and they made pleasant enough small talk walking down a corridor together. It's just – he can't figure out what Blaine wants from him and it unnerves him quite a bit.

“So, um,” Blaine breaks the silence eventually. “I have – I've been fiddling around with this holodeck program. Early twenty-first century New York City. And I – I mean, I don't know what your schedule is like, but if you wanted to give it a try with me … We could go for a stroll by the river if you felt like it. Um. Whenever it's good for you.”

Kurt swallows heavily. He _loves_ twenty-first century New York City. And he knows that Blaine knows that. It used to be their favorite. They went on quite a lot of their first ever dates in simulations of that city. He hasn't run any of those programs since they broke up, though. He hasn't been able to even think about going back there, seeing those places or anything similar to that setting ever since. That was _their_ thing. Their _shared_ thing.

“I don't know, Blaine,” he says. “I'm pretty busy these days and when I get off my shifts I usually just want to put my feet up and do nothing, you know?”

“Oh, no, of course, I completely understand,” Blaine assures him, but he does sound sad, even if he's trying to hide it with a smile. “I could – I have a few Broadway simulations. We could see a show, you wouldn't have to do any walking at all -”

“Blaine, I can't,” Kurt tells him, grateful when the doors open on the corridor leading to main engineering. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” Blaine says and smiles in a way that doesn't really do a lot to hide the look of defeat and disappointment on his face.

And Kurt hates himself as the turbolift closes behind him, but he just doesn't know what to _do_.

**

Rachel eventually gets Kurt to join her for an evening of old board games and guacamole at her quarters. Finn's there too. And Kurt agrees because he does miss hanging out with them. He's been keeping to himself a lot since Blaine came on board because he didn't want it to look like they were excluding him, so he became a hermit instead.

Tonight, he joins his friend and his brother for dinner and some hanging out, and it's amazing how good it feels. He's missed having company.

He notices Finn giving him worried looks but tries to ignore it, instead tries to convince Rachel that Vulcan chess is a better choice than Monopoly even though he knows he'll lose the argument.

He's busy helping her set up the Monopoly board when Finn finally blurts out with the question Kurt knows has been on his mind for probably days by now.

“So, what's going on with you and Blaine?”

Kurt sighs, keeps counting money to hand out to each of them, and tries not to think of how Blaine's always had a fascination with antique currencies. It's always seemed strange to Kurt, the thought that people walked around with coins and pieces of paper to trade in for goods they needed to survive. But Blaine was mostly interested in it because Blaine likes old things. Things that have a history.

“Nothing's going on.”

Finn doesn't look convinced. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I am sure, Finn.”

Rachel narrows her eyes at him, tilts her head. They had run into each other a few times back at the Academy and she'd helped him through the heartbreak once they became friends on board this ship, but they hadn't been close pre-breakup. “You never did explain to me why you and Blaine broke it off back then.”

“Because it's none of your business,” Kurt reminds her.

“He just seems … nice,” Rachel says, and Finn snorts.

Kurt gives him a warning look before turning his attention back to Rachel. “He is nice.”

“If you say so,” Finn throws in.

“I do,” Kurt says. “And for the millionth time, Finn, it wasn't his fault.”

“What wasn't his fault?” Rachel wants to know.

Kurt sighs, puts both hands over his face for a moment. Apparently he's explaining this now. “I'm not exactly sure what happened,” he says. “We just … it didn't work out. I guess we didn't talk enough about what we wanted, it was just … we were young and -”

“And he accepted his first assignment without talking to you first,” Finn reminds him.

“I did the same, though,” Kurt says.

“Why?” Rachel asks.

Kurt lifts his shoulders. “I don't know. You know how it is, those final months at the Academy, all those exams, things are so busy, and … we were stressed. We wanted to be together, we were in love and I … I wanted to ask him to marry me. So we'd have a better chance of being put on the same ship. But … I don't even know, Rachel. I was waiting for some sort of sign from him, I guess. Some sign that he wanted me to ask him. And he was waiting for the same from me, or that's what he said that day we both -” He swallows. “In the end, our assignments arrived sooner than we both thought they would. And that day, we'd only just had a fight about … I don't even remember it now, but we were fighting a lot, those last few weeks. It was just … we were so stressed out. And he was angry with me and I was angry with him, about something, so we accepted our assignments without trying to work something out and by the time we realized what we'd done -”

“It was too late,” Rachel finishes for him, and he nods, suddenly feeling tired.

“He could have said something,” Finn insists.

Kurt just shakes his head, not really wanting to argue this anymore. It wasn't Blaine's fault. It wasn't his either. It was just … stupid. Unfortunate. The worst timing in the world. But as much as he wishes that Blaine and Finn would get along again the way they used to back then, he can't deny that he's touched by his brother taking his side like this. Even if it isn't necessary and Kurt would prefer if everyone just liked Blaine.

“We screwed up,” Kurt says. “One fight at the exact wrong time and a few weeks later we were at opposite ends of the galaxy.

Rachel hesitates, exchanges a glance with Finn before asking, quietly, “Do you still love him?”

Instead of answering, Kurt scoots his chair forward, taps the board at the center of the small table. “Let's play some Monopoly. Come on!”

Like the good friend she manages to be most of the time, Rachel lets it go and starts selecting her token. He quickly grabs across and snatches up the top hat before anyone else can go for it.

Kurt is pretty sure that the two of them are purposefully going easy on him once they start playing, but he lets them. They only mean to help, after all.


	5. Chapter 5

They're well on their way out into the Gamma Quadrant now; they're through the wormhole and adding distance between themselves and home every day. Blaine has been on board for more than three weeks and they've had two movie nights and Kurt has still not figured out a way to be around him.

Blaine keeps inviting him to do things together and Kurt keeps turning him down; he just doesn't know how to _be_ around Blaine. And he knows, it's becoming more apparent every day, that they need to figure this out. They can't just let it go on like this indefinitely. He's even considered talking to Emma – counselor Pillsbury – about it, but he doesn't know if he's quite there yet. He doesn't want the problem to exist at all; getting a third person involved would make it even more real and he doesn't want that.

He's just entering Main Engineering that morning when Chief Beiste, their chief engineer, heads straight for him, claps a hand onto his shoulder.

“You can turn right back around,” she tells him, “and head up to the bio lab. Apparently Brittany has managed to convince the Captain her new specifications were worth giving a shot; you're helping them make the modifications over the next few days.”

He shakes his head before he catches himself, does his best to smooth his face back into a neutral mask. “I – uh.”

“Problem?” She squints her eyes at him; it's always been a bit unnerving to him how good she is at picking up on people's emotions in her blunt, rough kind of way.

“No, no.” He desperately looks for some reason he can't do it, something that won't make him sound like a fourteen-year old throwing a temper tantrum. “It's just – there's the, um, transporter room three has that problem with the molecular imaging scanner -”

“I'm sending someone else to fix the transporter there,” she interrupts him. “That lab stuff is a lot of work and it needs to be precise and I need _you_ to take care of it. I'd do it myself, but -”

“No, of course, I'm on it,” Kurt assures her quickly, heart sinking.

From what he's seen of Brittany's plans, those modifications will take days. Days he'll be spending in Blaine's lab, with Blaine right there, working right next to him, and for once Kurt won't be able to make up some excuse and run off. He is really not looking forward to it. But there's nothing to be done about it. He'll just have to deal with it.

“You can get started right away, Lieutenants Pierce and Anderson will talk you through what needs to be done for now, and there's a briefing later today; I'll let you know as soon as we work out the schedule.”

“Okay.” He straightens his uniform, straightens his back, doing his best to look composed and calm. “Great. I'll go up there, then.”

She slaps his shoulder once more, smiles, and turns around to walk away, and Kurt takes another deep breath and heads back in the direction of the turbolift.

It's great that three years out of the Academy he is already the second most competent engineer on his ship, except for those times when it just really, really sucks. But he has seen some of the plans for the modifications Brittany was planning during the last briefing and he agrees that they're rather challenging and he does understand Beiste's decision to have one of them do it instead of sending one of the more junior crew to handle it – he just wishes she had had the time to do it herself.

Blaine is in the lab when he enters – of course he is. Where else would he be. And of course his face lights up when he sees Kurt appear in the door: Blaine always smiles at him. No matter how many times Kurt blows him off and behaves rather rudely towards him, Blaine is always nice, always polite, always the same charming, lovely man Kurt had fallen in love with all those years before. And Kurt has really started to seriously hate himself for all the fake-smiling he's doing; but he really honestly just doesn't see a way out of this.

“Good morning,” Blaine greets him, getting up from his seat behind the console he'd been working on.

“Hey.” Kurt smiles back at him. “I hear you need some help with bringing this lab into the twenty-fourth century.”

Blaine laughs. “With everything Brittany has planned, I think it's going to end up more like the twenty-seventh century. But yes.”

“Well,” Kurt says. “Here I am!”

“Here you are,” Blaine confirms, and walks over to him, hands him a PADD with the schematics. “Do you want to have a closer look at these first so you know what we'll be doing the next few days?”

Kurt nods. “Yes. Actually. I'm going to look over those,” he waves the PADD, “and then we can set up a sort of timetable? I don't know if Brittany will want to have a hand in assisting with any of these modifications -”

“Oh,” Blaine says. “Um. No. She put me in charge. I'll be assisting you. I hope that's – okay. I hope that's -”

“That's fine,” Kurt hurries to say. “That's great. So I'll look this over and then we can talk it through?”

Blaine nods. “Sure. Do you want – a coffee or anything?”

Kurt shakes his head. “Maybe later. Don't let me keep you from your work. I'll just – I'll sit down quietly over there -” he points to the other end of the lab, “and let you know when I'm ready to start?”

“Perfect,” Blaine tells him and smiles again.

**

Suddenly, instead of having to look forward to movie night whenever they do manage to get together for it, Blaine has Kurt with him every day, right there in his lab, working alongside him. He should be happy, he should be ecstatic at the prospect of getting to see him all the time, but he knows that this is not what Kurt wants and Blaine can't really be happy about the lucky circumstances when it's so obviously making Kurt unhappy.

He mostly just wishes Kurt would talk to him about it, but if Kurt doesn't want to talk, Blaine doesn't want to ask him to. He doesn't want to cause him any more unhappiness.

As a result, their days in the lab are weird and kind of strained; a lot of the time when Blaine arrives for his shift Kurt is already there and Blaine can't help but think that he's probably putting in all that extra time so he'll be done quicker. So he'll be out of here sooner and won't have to work in the same room as Blaine anymore. It's not exactly a nice thought, but there's not a lot he can do about it. He tries to be nice and accommodating and not make Kurt any more uncomfortable than he already is, but he'd really prefer if he knew what the hell was going on between them.

He gets it, he gets already that Kurt doesn't want to get back together, but why can't they at least talk to each other and be friends? They always used to be friends first. And most of the other people on the ship seem to think his company is pleasant enough, it's only Kurt, really, who obviously cannot stand even being in the same room with him. He still never turns down movie nights, though, when they're both free, and Blaine has no clue what to think about that. Is Kurt hanging out with him once a week because he feels like he ought to? Because Blaine doesn't want that.

“Hey, can you hand me that coil spanner?” Kurt asks, looking up from the console he's crouched under.

Blaine picks up the tool that's lying next to his chair and hands it over. “How's it all coming along?”

Kurt shrugs. “I mean, these are some really major alterations. But it's going okay. Still would love to know how Brittany even came up with all of this.”

“Yeah, I would never even have considered any of this possible.”

“You're going to be researching the hell out of this quadrant.” Kurt grins up at him. “They were right to send us, with the crew we have here.”

“I can never tell if you're complimenting your friends or insulting the Dalton when you say things like that,” Blaine says, grinning back at him.

Kurt laughs. “You're the one who transferred away from them.”

“And now I get to share a lab with Brittany.” He sighs. “I think I've never felt more stupid in my life.”

“You'll get used to her. It takes a while.”

“When I saw the adjustments she wanted to make to some of our equipment -”

“I know,” Kurt says. “I almost cried when the Chief handed me the specs. This is … advanced stuff.”

“Well, I mean, you'll get it done,” Blaine says.

“Of course I will. That's what I'm here for.”

“Yeah, that, and the fact that you're the best engineer in Starfleet.”

Kurt looks away, clears his throat, suddenly looking serious. “I should, um. Get back to this.”

“Okay, yeah, sure,” Blaine says. “I have work too.”

He turns back to his console and blankly stares ahead for a few minutes, and he has no idea when they'll finally leave this stage where everything eventually turns awkward.

**

It's Kurt's idea, actually, to install some of the modifications that Brittany thought up in one of their shuttles as well. He thinks it's possible, he thinks they can use Brittany's idea to increase sensor range on the shuttle and, if they keep adding to it, he's pretty sure they can turn one shuttle into a mini-lab.

Brittany loves the idea, as does Captain Sylvester, so Kurt gets to work.

He is not surprised when Blaine gets assigned to help him.

“I could really use another engineer to work with me on this,” he tells Sue in a private meeting.

“I think Lieutenant Hairhelmet is more than qualified. He helped you out in the bio lab, didn't he?”

“He is, and he did, I just meant -”

“You understand the mechanics of the modifications, but he knows what they're actually _for_ , so please work with him.”

“I'm not saying I won't work with him, I just think that it would be better and more efficient -”

“It would be incredibly efficient if you got out of my ready room now and got started on those adjustments. Take Shuttle One. That is an _order_ , Lieutenant Hummel.”

“Fine,” he gets out between gritted teeth, strides for the door which slides back for him.

“And once everything is installed, you and Anderson will take the shuttle for a little spin, Just a little day trip far away from us to test the systems,” Sue calls after him.

Kurt pauses in his tracks, heaves a sigh, fists clenching at his sides. They're a small crew, it's true. Still, that is not a reason for his first away mission in a new quadrant to be with his ex-boyfriend. It's going to be _awkward_.

“Understood,” he says, without looking back. “Is that all?”

He hears the swishing noise of Sue's uniform as she leans back in her chair and crosses her arms. “That is all. Dismissed.”

He walks out of her ready room and just feels so, so tired.

This is so frustrating. Not only for him. Blaine deserves better too, because Kurt does know that he makes him uncomfortable with the way he behaves around him. But he can't change the way he feels. So why is this necessary? Can't it just be easy, just for once?

**

Blaine's not exactly happy this time when he's told he'll be assisting Kurt with the work on Shuttle One.

Another reason to spend time with him had sounded so good at first, but it's clear that Kurt didn't enjoy it, and Blaine doesn't want to put either of them in that position again.

It's becoming clear to them that they need to figure this out between themselves, in their own time, however long that takes. But it's also becoming clear to him that they might not have that luxury. They keep being thrown together into these situations and there's nothing either of them can do about it.

At least the changes to the shuttle don't take more than a couple of days; at least they're still really good at working together.

Kurt looks up at him toward the end of their shift at the second day, hesitates.

“What is it?” Blaine asks.

Kurt shrugs. “Just … we only have a few more hours worth of work on this. And I was thinking that … I know that we said tonight is movie night. But … I don't know -”

Blaine swallows. “We could cancel just this once and get this done,” he says, the thing that Kurt obviously can't bring himself to say.

“We'll postpone it, not cancel,” Kurt hurries to correct him. “We can do it tomorrow instead.”

“We'll have to take her out for a ride tomorrow, to test the instruments.”

“And when we're back, we'll get pizza and maybe some cookies and popcorn and watch our movies then.”

Blaine risks a small smile, and Kurt twitches the tiniest smile back at him. “Okay,” Blaine agrees.

“You really don't mind?”

“Of course not,” Blaine promises, and goes back to work.

**

They're back on their way to the ship; Blaine is piloting the small shuttle craft while Kurt is busy going over some of the data he collected over the past hours.

“Hey,” Blaine says over his shoulder, looking back at him.

Kurt lifts his head. “What is it?”

Blaine shrugs. “Ion storm ahead. We can go around, but that would probably cost us an extra day.”

Kurt frowns. “What's the alternative?”

“I could fly us through it?”

Kurt puts down his PADD and joins Blaine at the front of the shuttle, sitting down in the second seat to check over the readings on the instruments. “Blaine, that thing is not small. Are you sure about this?”

“It looks okay to me,” Blaine says. “It's gonna be a bumpy ride, but I don't think it's worth losing an entire day over this. Do you? If we work together we're gonna be through in a few minutes. Come on, you were our star pilot at the Academy, you don't think we can do it?”

Kurt checks the readings again, and then for good measure, one more time. And he has to agree; it looks like Blaine is right about this. Its a big storm, but he's modified the shuttle himself and he knows it can take the stress. “Fine,” he agrees. “Take us through.”

“Okay,” Blaine says, smiles at him. “Let's go home.”

Kurt smiles back, he's really looking forward to getting back to the ship. All the new adjustments work, he can go back to his work in Main Engineering and everything will finally be back to normal.

Blaine sets their course, flies them into the storm, and Kurt leans forward in his chair to adjust all systems. A few more hours and they'll reach the rendezvous point where the New Directions is meeting them later. He's almost home, almost back to his own quarters -

“What -” Blaine says, and Kurt sits up straight right away at the tone in Blaine's voice as the shuttle begins to shake.

“What's wrong?”

“I have no idea.” Blaine's fingers are flying over the controls and Kurt leans forward to check his own navigational readings.

“What is that? It looks like -”

“Some sort of – polarized magnetic variation -”

“Blaine, that's – some sort of displacement wave coming from the center of the storm, can you -”

“Controls aren't working.” Blaine sounds professional but Kurt knows him well enough to hear the panic in his voice.

“I'm trying to reroute reserve energy to the impulse thrusters,” Kurt tells him, but the energy outside is wreaking havoc with all their instruments by now, nothing is working, nothing -

“Kurt, that wave is heading straight for us.”

“Evasive maneuvers are pointless, it's too big. I'm losing control of navigation,” Kurt answers.

“Reversing course.”

Kurt glances over at Blaine. “You think we can outrun this?”

Blaine shrugs, hands flying over the controls. “Worth a shot.”

“Blaine, it's no use, we -” the shuttle shakes and Kurt has to grab the edge of the console to stay in his seat.

“Shit,” Blaine exclaims. “That's not good.”

Kurt checks the readings, hears Blaine curse again as the tiny shuttle gives another violent jolt. “Wave's coming closer. It's gonna hit us.”

Blaine lets out a frustrated groan.“We have to get _away_.”

“No, it's too late for that, we have to … shutting down propulsion engines and rerouting all energy to shields,” Kurt informs him while he's already hard at work.

“Impact in fifteen seconds,” Blaine says.

“Just -” the ship is rocking wildly by now as Kurt is still trying to get something out of the engines. “If we can just get the shields to hold, it's gonna be a bit rough, but -”

“Four,” Blaine says, “Three, two -”

Everything goes white.

**

Kurt wakes up on the floor next to his chair, his head hurts a little but when he carefully tries to move, he feels okay, sits up as quickly as he dares. “Blaine?”

“Here,” Blaine speaks up from the other side of the small shuttle and Kurt looks over to where he's rolling over onto his back, groaning. “What happened?”

“I'm not exactly sure,” Kurt admits, gingerly feeling his forehead where he's pretty sure the skin's cut open.

“We're alive,” Blaine says, and he does sound a little surprised about it.

“Seems that way.”

“We're in one piece.” Blaine sits up, winces as he tries to prop himself up on one hand, cradles it to his chest. “I think I sprained my wrist. And … We got hit. By something. Didn't we?”

Kurt nods, which sends a fresh wave of nausea through his body, reaches for the main console to pull himself up and back onto his chair. “Where are we?”

“What do you mean?” Blaine wants to know, crawling over and pulling himself back into his own chair.

Kurt pushes buttons, checks their navigational readings to figure out their current position, checks again, shakes his head. “We are not where we were anymore.”

Blaine leans forward, looks at the controls. “Oh.”

“We are -”

“That's not good.”

“Where _are_ we?”

“What kind of wave _was_ that?” Blaine asks. “That distance would have taken us two days at least at maximum speed, but we haven't been out for more than a few minutes.”

“We're nowhere near the ion storm anymore at least,” Kurt says.

“How are we going to meet up with the ship now?” Blaine wants to know.

Kurt shrugs. “I'll set a course for -” He breaks off, starts mashing buttons. “Oh no.”

“What is it?”

“Oh no,” he simply repeats, checks over his readings, checks again, tries to get the engines online, and now he's starting to feel nauseous again.

“Oh no,” Blaine echoes as he checks the same readings, and Kurt can hear the panic in his voice.

“The wave must have damaged -”

“We don't even have enough power to get back to where we were, we'll never make it to the ship now.”

“I know.” Kurt bites his lip. “I know.”

“What do we do?”

Kurt shrugs, and even with years of Starfleet training and all of his professional experience, he feels like throwing up, starts rattling off standard protocol more to calm his own nerves than for anything else. “We send out a distress signal. We check if there's an M-class planet within range where we could survive a few days. We turn off all non-essential systems, meaning everything except life support. And then … we wait. We hope that they find us.”

“Before our life support fails,” Blaine adds, and he sounds calm enough but Kurt knows him, he can hear how very not calm he is.

“Yes,” Kurt confirms. “Exactly.”

Blaine's eyes meet his and Kurt can't read what he's thinking, but he knows that Blaine is scared. They both are.

**

“Can't you turn the heat up a little bit?” Blaine asks, shivering as he's wrapping his arms more firmly around himself, keeping his bandaged wrist close to his chest. “It's freezing in here.”

Kurt shrugs, adjusting some controls before sitting down next to Blaine. 

Blaine knows that Kurt's head still hurts, even after Blaine has cleaned the cut and done his best to mend it. They found a dermal regenerator in the medical kit, but that didn't take care of the concussion, obviously. 

“Life support is failing,” Kurt says. “I turned off all non-essential systems, that should give us a few more hours. But I'd rather keep breathing than have warm feet, wouldn't you agree?”

“My fingers are turning blue,” Blaine complains, waving his uninjured hand in front of Kurt's face. “Just a few degrees, that's all I'm asking.”

Kurt rolls his eyes. “Your hands look fine. Besides, you're the genius that had to fly right through that ion storm.”

“And you're the Assistant Chief Engineer who can't repair the damn shuttle craft,” Blaine counters.

“Wow, being cold really makes you even more of an idiot than you usually are.”

“I'm sorry.” Blaine looks over at Kurt, trying to keep his teeth from chattering. “I'm not really good at dealing with impending-death situations.”

Kurt sighs and shifts where he sits on the floor so that he's facing Blaine. “Give me your hands,” he says.

“What?”

Kurt just reaches out himself to take Blaine's hands and starts rubbing them slowly between his own, careful not to jostle the sprained wrist. “We're not going to die,” he assures him before lifting Blaine's hands to his mouth to breathe on them hotly. “Better?” he asks.

“I … Yes. Thank you.” Blaine responds a little too late, reminding himself to keep breathing. This is … strangely intimate and almost too much, but he certainly isn't complaining.

“They'll find us soon enough,” Kurt promises. “We haven't gone _that_ much off course. We'll pop up on their long-range sensors soon enough. I've been in worse situations, believe me. It's going to be all right.”

Blaine simply nods, acutely aware of the fact that Kurt hasn't let go of his hands. His thumbs are rubbing small circles into Blaine's palms and, innocent as that gesture is, Blaine desperately wants it to mean something. Something more than Kurt being nice to him.

Another half hour goes by, the temperature inside the small shuttle craft dropping even further until even the blankets they used to cover themselves aren't helping much anymore. They shift closer together, trying to share body heat, both knowing that eventually, even that won't be enough anymore. And there is still no sign of their ship.

Blaine feels Kurt shivering next to him and curls himself into his side, wrapping both arms around his waist. To keep them warm. Nothing else. They need to keep each other warm. And his wrist has gone numb from the cold now anyway, he barely feels the pain anymore. But he can feel Kurt's body close to his and he's gonna hug him if it's the last thing he ever does.

Which, he thinks, too resigned at this point to panic, it might very well be.

“Blaine,” Kurt says quietly after a few more minutes, almost startling Blaine who has been deep in thought. “I lied.”

“About what?” He lifts his head from where it was resting on Kurt's shoulder to look at him.

Kurt takes a deep breath and looks him directly in the eyes. “We might die.”

“I know.”

“I don't want to.”

“I don't want to either.”

“Just in case we do, though...”

“Don't talk like that.”

Kurt holds up a hand to silence him. “Just in case, Blaine. There is something that you need to know.”

Blaine nods slowly, unable to tear his gaze away from Kurt's beautiful face. God, he has missed him. So much. Too much.

“I'm really glad you joined the New Directions.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I just thought … You've been ignoring me for the last two months.” Blaine can't help but sound a little hurt.

“I wasn't expecting it,” Kurt says.

“What weren't you expecting?”

Kurt sighs, moving away from Blaine just a little so they can really face each other. “I wasn't expecting for you to come waltzing back into my life after three years of nothing. I wasn't expecting you to still be the same guy I knew all those years ago. I wasn't … I wasn't expecting that … I'd still feel things … for you.”

Blaine feels his breath hitch in his throat and he makes himself not hug him in close, this isn't the time. “You do?”

Kurt lowers his eyes. “I think I always will,” he admits. “You were – Blaine you were my best friend. You were -” He breaks off and Blaine understands; saying these things out loud is painful.

“I know.”

“You have to admit that this is – weird. Being on the same ship again. Seeing each other again all the time.”

“Maybe weird is not exactly the word I would use -”

“Okay, maybe not weird, but it's – Blaine, I'm sorry if you thought I've been ignoring you, I didn't mean to. I never meant to make you feel unwelcome, I just -” He breaks off, looks – helpless.

Blaine takes his hands again, Kurt's hands, he never forgot what it felt like to hold them. They're colder now than he remembers them. “I know,” he says. “You don't have to explain.”

“I think I do,” Kurt disagrees. “Because I want you to understand. That I can't go through it again, Blaine. I can't.”

He swallows, shakes his head. “I can't either.”

“And that's why,” Kurt says, “I have been – distant. Because the alternative would be -”

“I know.” He squeezes his hands and doesn't cry even though he kind of wants to; he's scared and cold and he has no idea what's going to happen, and whenever he pictured himself being reunited with Kurt, this was never what he thought would happen.

“I am glad that you came on board,” Kurt says again. “Really. I mean it. You've always wanted an assignment like this one and you deserve it so much, you worked hard for it. And -” he takes a deep breath, doesn't meet his eyes, his voice breaking a little on the next words. “I've missed you.”

Blaine has to take several deep breaths to hold back the tears, holds onto Kurt's hands as tightly as he dares, resists the urge to kiss him. How can he tell him that he's still missing him so much it hurts, every single day, even though they're on the same ship again?

He shivers and Kurt shuffles closer, tightens his arms around him. “They'll find us.”

Blaine nods. “Of course they will,” he agrees, and hugs him back as tightly as he dares.

It's getting colder by the minute in their tiny shuttle craft, and he's starting to feel sleepy. He knows what that means. He also knows that there is nothing further that they can do.

Now, they wait. And they hope.

Good thing he has so much practice doing both.

He can't fight the drowsiness anymore, can't form any more words. His eyes close and he doesn't feel anything anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

Kurt wakes up and it's warm. For a moment, he doesn't understand; of course it's warm, why is this something that seems important?

Then he remembers and does his best to open his eyes but his lids are so heavy and he's so tired and it's such an effort and before he can succeed everything goes dark again.

When he does blink his eyes open, he's not sure how much time has passed, he finds himself in sickbay, Elliott is looking down on him, smiling. If Elliott is smiling things cannot be too bad, can they?

“Hi,” he tries carefully.

Elliott smiles down at him. “Welcome back.”

He frowns, rolls his head to one side, searching. “Blaine?”

“Other side,” Elliott tells him, and Kurt rolls his head to the other side and there he is, the bio bed next to his, eyes closed but chest rising and falling rhythmically.

“Is he -”

“Asleep,” Elliott says quickly. “He's fine. Woke up just a few minutes before you and went right back to sleep. You both just have to get a good night's rest and you'll be fine again.”

“What – happened?”

“Mild hypothermia in both of you by the time we finally found you,” Elliott says. “It could have been so much worse. You were lucky. Do you know how you got that far off course?”

Kurt shakes his head. “Some – wave. Have to check the log -”

“Not right now you don't,” Elliott says firmly, one hand already on Kurt's shoulder, physically stopping him from getting up. “You need to rest.”

He's tired. He doesn't feel like arguing. “Okay,” he says.

Elliott gives him another smile and walks away. Kurt turns his head back to the side to get another look at Blaine; he's so glad that he's okay. And he remembers, in that shuttle, talking to him, telling him… 

Tired, he closes his eyes and goes back to sleep. It doesn't matter now. They're safe.

**

The thing about life and death situations is that they lead to a whole lot of confusion and that, if you get rescued, life goes on afterwards.

Kurt isn't quite sure what's supposed to happen once they're safely back on the ship other than both of them going back to exactly the way everything was before. He doesn't see that there's any alternative to it. But he's – afraid. Of what Blaine might be expecting. He hopes Blaine doesn't expect any of this to change things between them just because they – talked. Just because Kurt told him what he hopes Blaine already knew all along anyway: that he's happy that Blaine is on board the ship and is getting to realize his life-long dream of going into deep space, that the two of them are still friends. Kurt isn't sure he could deal with things changing; he's glad that they got this far and he's glad they're both safely back on the ship, and other than that he just kind of wants to forget the whole thing ever happened; that would just be perfect.

They're both forced to take a few days off once they're out of sickbay, because apparently almost dying is just as big a deal as it seems in the moment – and he's glad to get the time to recover, to get some sleep, to take it easy while he comes to terms with not having died. And yet he can't deny that he's bored. And a little annoyed at being treated like something fragile. He's a _Starfleet officer_ for crying out loud.

“I feel fine,” he tells Elliott, legs dangling where he's sitting on an empty bio bed, waiting for his mandatory daily pre-breakfast check-up. “Seriously. I feel just fine. There is nothing wrong with me and -”

“Kurt.” Elliott walks over to him, medical tricorder raised like a threat, shaking his head at him. “You almost died. Take a few days. And also, Dr. Pillsbury tells me you haven't even been to see her yet, I think I made it very clear that -”

“It was _hypothermia_ , what is a counselor going to help me with? I'm warm again already!”

Elliott sighs deeply. “It was a near-death experience. And that is something you should talk about; we need you on your feet for the next five years, you have to let us take care of you right now.”

“I feel _fine_ ,” Kurt insists, and he can't really help sounding a little pouty even to his own ears. It's just that – he knows the thing that would help him best would be if they just allowed him to go back to doing what he does best; he's being forced to neglect all of his duties and he doesn't like that, as much as he appreciates all the sleep he's getting in the meantime. He has a ship to take care of.

“What would you say,” Elliott interrupts his thoughts, “if I told you that Blaine hasn't yet been to see Emma either?”

Kurt shakes his head. “He's an adult. He can make his own decisions,” he insists, but he can't really ignore the way that his heart sinks a little in his chest at the news. Blaine has been blowing off his counselor appointments as well? Somehow, that doesn't sit right with him, it worries him, he doesn't like hearing it. Even though he knows he's been doing the same thing.

“Of course he can make his own decisions,” Elliott confirms. “I just think if they're not the right decisions, a friend might point that out to him, you know?”

Kurt rolls his eyes at his friend. “Why is it so important to you that we talk to Emma? We weren't even in that shuttle for that long and you did find us eventually -”

“Otherwise there would be no need for you to talk to anyone anymore.”

“Haha.”

“You know I'm right. Also, if you want a reason you can't possibly argue with: it's protocol.”

“I know.” Kurt takes a deep breath. “I'm not getting out of this, am I?”

Elliott pats his shoulder. “Nope. You're really not.”

“Fine.”

“You'll go and see her?”

Kurt sighs deeply. “I'll talk to her, yes.”

“And talk Blaine into talking to her too, will you? Maybe he'll do it if you ask him.”

Kurt hesitates. “What makes you say that?”

Elliott rolls his eyes at him. “You're friends, right?”

“Oh. Yeah. Of course.”

Kurt lets Elliott check him over, steers the conversation away from Blaine for the time being at least. He knows Elliott is right, though. He should really talk to him. They need to deal with this; they can't go back to just ignoring each other, because yes, they are indeed friends. Maybe, Kurt thinks, it's time he started acting like it. Even if he still doesn't really know _how_.

He finds Blaine in the mess hall when he goes to get breakfast after his morning check-up. He has a long and boring day ahead of him, a long and boring day of sitting in his quarters and trying to read or watch something or even listen to some music and sing along like he used to – sometimes he misses the small but determined little choir back at the Academy. He doesn't sing much anymore these days. 

Being on sick leave is just incredibly tedious and Chief Beiste has flat-out refused to let him help out with some strictly non-stressful tasks like writing up shift schedules and priority lists and such. Sam even told him that she had threatened anyone with bodily harm who gave in to his demands of being shown some of the latest reports so he could go over them – he doesn't think that request is so unreasonable, he is this ship's Assistant Chief Engineer, he should be kept in the loop on those things.

However, as it is, he has absolutely nothing to do except sit and wait until he's allowed to go back to work – two more days, Elliott had promised. Two more days and he'll be able to fill his days with things more exciting again. But, he knows, there is one thing that he can do, one thing that he should do, and even after all these weeks it still scares him a lot more than he'd been being stuck in that tiny shuttle craft hanging somewhere in the void of space. This is different.

He gets his oatmeal, even adds a slice of cheesecake for dessert because he's not busy, he can go to the holodeck tomorrow and find the most vigorous work out routine they have in the database. Today, he needs cake for breakfast.

Tray in hand he walks over to where Blaine is sitting and staring down at his own food, pushing salad around on his plate without actually eating anything, a far away look on his face.

Kurt clears his throat, stopping behind the chair opposite Blaine. “Hi.”

Blaine looks up, surprised for a moment before his face smooths into a mask of forced calm Kurt knows all too well. He used to be the only person who could draw Blaine out of his shell when he got like this – many years ago.

“Kurt. Hey.”

“Anyone sitting here?”

Blaine shakes his head. “Nope. Please, sit.”

Kurt takes a seat, taking his time shuffling things around on his tray just to clear his thoughts, find a way to start this conversation. They've been running into each other since they woke up next to each other on their bio beds, of course they have. They have chatted, exchanged pleasantries, but it hasn't gone further than that, and for the first time since Blaine came on board it hasn't been just Kurt who's been pulling away – Kurt has noticed, all of a sudden, a certain distance in Blaine. He doesn't push anymore, he doesn't show up at Kurt's door to ask him to hang out, he doesn't invite him to go to the holodeck or anything. And it's … well, frankly, it's weird and it's worrying and as much as Kurt had wished for Blaine to stop pushing before, he likes this sudden distance between them even less.

“How have you been?” he tries.

Blaine shrugs. “Okay, mostly. Just … a bit bored, maybe. With not being allowed to work and all.”

Kurt laughs, relieved. “Oh my god. I know, right? I've been telling Elliott that I'm fine, but he insists I take a few days; it's ridiculous.”

“Yeah, it's not like we'd even have to do anything exhausting,” Blaine agrees. “But I went to the lab earlier and Britt turned me away threatening to call security if I didn't stop trying to sneak into her lab while I was still radiating space-cold? I couldn't quite understand it.”

“I don't know if anyone except for Santana actually understands Brittany,” Kurt says. “But yes, I just requested some reports to read over and the Chief told me she'd lock me in a Jefferies tube with only my pillow and a blanket for company if I asked again. And then she recommended me one of her holodeck programs to help me relax.”

“Did you check it out?”

Kurt shakes his head. “Most of them are twentieth century American honky-tonk bars. Not really my style.”

“The Chief likes that?”

“She even owns her own cowboy hat.”

“Huh.”

Blaine looks really, honestly fascinated, head tilted to the side, a small smile playing around the corners of his mouth, and Kurt has to laugh. He can actually very well imagine Blaine in the setting, he'd probably have a blast hanging out with the Chief, drinking synthetic whiskey and singing country songs.

“You want to try one of them, don't you?” Kurt asks, amused.

Blaine blushes, chuckles. “I mean, it does sound kind of fun.”

“You should talk to her. She'll recommend one and maybe even go with you.”

Blaine nods, smiles at his salad, and Kurt knows that three days ago he would have asked Kurt to join him. Now he just sits there. “Maybe I will,” he says.

“She'll be glad to have company,” Kurt says. “It's usually just her and Commander Schuester. I guess these things are more fun in a group.”

“I don't know if I could just go to a bar with two senior officers,” Blaine says.

“You can, on board this ship,” Kurt assures him. “Trust me.” If he's being honest, he really does want Blaine to make more friends – he knows how much Blaine needs people. Which reminds him how lonely he must have been these past few days with everyone else working; Sam's been picking up most of Kurt's workload in engineering and Tina is picking up extra shifts on the Bridge that demand her full attention and Kurt knows how much Blaine needs to feel like he's part of a group. If the past few days have been frustrating for Kurt, they must have been unbearable for Blaine, and suddenly he feels so guilty, like the worst person in the universe to leave someone he cares about, even if those feelings are complicated, alone for so long.

“If you're sure,” Blaine says, and Kurt gathers all of his courage and looks him straight in the eyes.

“Or we could go together. You know. If you wanted. I guess we're the only two people on board this ship right now who have absolutely nothing at all to do, and you did tell me about all those New York simulations you have? You know. Broadway?”

Blaine looks confused for a moment, then just weirdly sad. “Kurt, you don't have to do this.”

“I'm not doing anything,” Kurt promises. “I just – I would really like to go with you.”

“But that's not true,” Blaine says, and pushes away his tray with the almost untouched salad on it. “We both know that.”

“It is true,” Kurt promises, heart pounding in his chest. “I -”

“Look,” Blaine interrupts. “I appreciate what you said to me in that shuttle craft. I do. But you don't have to feel like – I don't expect anything from you because of it. Okay? We both thought that we were going to die out there, we were freezing, we were desperate. It doesn't have to mean anything. We can forget it ever happened, if you want. But I don't want you to feel like you have to -”

“Blaine, no,” Kurt cuts him off quickly, shocked “No, I – That's not why I said it.”

“Then why?”

Kurt opens and closes his mouth, and this is exactly why he has been keeping his distance, why he has been careful to not reveal too much, because he's just _not sure_. He just doesn't know what he feels or what he wants anymore and having to talk about it doesn't really make it any easier. But Blaine deserves more from him than he's been getting and if Kurt does know one thing for certain it is that he does care about him deeply. He never wants Blaine to be unhappy or to think that Kurt doesn't care about him.

“I said it because I meant it,” Kurt admits. “I'm glad that you're here. I am, Blaine.”

“You don't act like it.” It sounds like an accusation, and Kurt knows it probably is one.

“I'm sorry. I – I don't know what you _want_ from me.” It's also true.

Blaine sighs, rubs a hand across his face. “Nothing. I don't – I don't want anything from you, Kurt.”

He sits up straighter, makes himself keep his eyes on Blaine's face. “But we know that that's not true either, right? You've been pushing me since you got here. It's not true that you want nothing.”

“I want -” Blaine pauses. “I just wanted to hang out with you. I'm sorry. Is that so wrong? We used to be _friends_ , Kurt. I thought -”

“We used to be so much more than friends, Blaine,” Kurt says, and suddenly his chest feels too tight, a years-old wound bleeding freely again. “What did you expect would happen if you just showed up here? You broke my heart.”

“You broke mine too,” Blaine says quietly.

He wants to say something, he knows they should talk about this, but suddenly he can't talk, he knows if he tries to make a sound it is going to come out a sob. He feels desperate, the kind of gutting sadness that hits you worse than shock. “Okay, I'm sorry. You're right,” he gets out between breaths, gets up from the table without even cleaning up his tray. “I can't do this.” He needs to get out of here.

He hears Blaine calling after him, but he just needs to get back to his quarters. Maybe this was a mistake. He shouldn't have brought any of this up. There is no use talking about it.

Ignoring Blaine's calls he stumbles out into the corridor and towards the turbolift. He just needs to be alone right now.

**

He's been in his quarters for maybe twenty minutes, sitting in the dark and just breathing deeply to calm his nerves, when the door signal goes and he sucks in a sharp breath, debates whether or not he's 'at home' – he doesn't really feel like company right now.

“Kurt?” a voice calls, and he squeezes his eyes closed, pinches the bridge of his nose. Of course it's Blaine. Of course. Who else could it possibly be?

He takes another breath, and another, then says, voice firm, “Lights.” He squints into the sudden brightness, gets up to cast a hurried look into the mirror hanging next to his door, before unlocking the panel so the door slides back to reveal his friend standing there, eyebrows drawn together with worry, chewing his bottom lip.

“Hi,” Kurt says.

Blaine says, “I'm so sorry.”

And Kurt isn't even really mad at him, he suddenly finds. Maybe he never really was. “It's okay,” he says. “I'm the one who's sorry.” And he is. For so many things. Most of all for ever making Blaine feel like he wasn't welcome here. He has no idea when he became that kind of a person.

“You don't have to -” Blaine says, and Kurt shakes his head.

“You did nothing wrong.”

Blaine shrugs. “ Neither did you.”

He's still not sure if he wants the company, but if this evening proves anything, it is that they should probably really and honestly work on figuring this out, whatever it is that's between them. “Would you like to come in?”

“Are you sure?” Blaine asks.

Kurt just steps back and flickers a smile at him, and Blaine, smiling back a little shakily, steps past him and into Kurt's quarters.

The doors slide closed behind him and for a moment they both just stand there, Blaine with his arms awkwardly wrapped around his chest and Kurt looking at him, trying to figure out what he wants – needs – to say to him.

“Have I really been pushing so hard?” Blaine finally breaks the silence, voice small.

Kurt pauses, shrugs. “I don't even know. I didn't mean to – if it sounded like an accusation, I'm sorry. It wasn't supposed to.”

“It didn't,” Blaine says. “I just – I've just been thinking. I mean, I've noticed that you didn't want what I wanted when I arrived here and I – I never meant to -”

“What _do_ you want?” Kurt asks.

Blaine shakes his head. “You know what? I'm not even sure anymore.” He sighs. “I've been dreaming for so long of running into you again, just, being together, hanging out, and it would all be like it was, and I never even thought – Three years is a _long_ time.”

“It is a long time,” Kurt agrees.

“I was just so happy to see you again,” Blaine admits. “Should I – should I have contacted you before requesting the transfer?”

“Did your transfer have anything to do with me?” Kurt wants to know. “And please be honest.”

“No,” Blaine says. “Honestly? It didn't. I didn't even check if you were still on board before requesting it. I wanted the assignment. I wanted to be here. But, to be perfectly honest, when I looked it up and found that you were, in fact, still on board, it did make me wish that much more that I'd get it.”

“I'm glad that you did get it,” Kurt says.

“But you're uncomfortable with me here.”

“I am _confused_ with you here,” Kurt says. “Blaine – I have no idea what to do here.”

“Me neither.”

“But clearly what we've been doing so far isn't working.”

Blaine offers a crooked little grin. “Me chasing you and you running away panicking every time I approach?”

Kurt even finds it in himself to laugh. “Pretty much.”

“So, what do we do?”

Kurt shrugs. “I think – and I really am genuinely sorry that it took me so long to figure it out and that I've been so weird in the meantime – that we can't avoid each other on this ship.”

“Is that what you'd want?” Blaine asks, voice carefully neutral.

“No,” Kurt says. “But it's what I've been trying to do regardless. What I think we need to do is – I think we need to get to know each other again. Because three years _is_ a long time. But we're stuck here together for five more. I guess … we just have to figure out a way to get to know each other all over again.”

“How do we do that?” Blaine wants to know.

Kurt tilts his head at him and his heart is racing, he's so nervous his palms are tingling with it. “I have a few New York simulations myself. Would you like to accompany me to the holodeck? We could just walk around a bit.”

Blaine's smile is small, but it's there, and it's relieved. “I'd love to,” he says. And Kurt smiles back at him.

He can do this.

**

They use one of Kurt's simulations that day – it's Central Park and they just walk, sit down when they get tired, and walk some more.

They talk too, but not about anything important; Blaine thinks Kurt meant it when he said he wanted them to get to know each other again. So Blaine tells him about the Dalton and the friends he left behind there, and Kurt tells him stories about his new friends on board the New Directions and about all the things Blaine has missed before he came here.

“When you talk about the Dalton it always sounds as if Wes was your Captain,” Kurt comments, amused. “You guys really respected, him, didn't you?”

Blaine nods. “He's gonna make Captain within the next few years. He wants to be the youngest captain in Starfleet. I think he has a very good chance of achieving that.”

“Ambitious of him.”

“He has the skills.”

“What's your goal after the mission?” Kurt wants to know. “You know. Career-wise.”

Blaine shrugs. “I don't know yet. I'd love to have my own command one day, but right now I'm happy being a science officer. What about you?”

Kurt bites his lip, seems to think about it. “I want to drop the 'assistant' title and be Chief Engineer. On this ship, if possible. I love this ship. But from there – I don't know, honestly. A different ship, maybe, one day. Who knows what's going to follow the Intrepid class. But whatever comes next, I want to be on it.”

Blaine looks at him. “You don't want a command?”

Kurt shakes his head. “I honestly don't know. I used to think that I did, but I love this work. I love taking care of a ship. And maybe eventually I'd like to go into research? I've been trying to keep up with the latest developments in propulsion and more efficient energy sources, and … who knows. I want to focus on this mission for now.”

“Yeah, so do I,” Blaine agrees.

“Well, it was your dream.”

Blaine nods. “So, I got one of mine. We should find one of yours and start working on making that come true as well.”

Kurt smiles at him before turning his gaze back upon the sight before them, grass and benches and holographic people walking holographic dogs. “Maybe,” he says.


	7. Chapter 7

Dinner time rolls around and Kurt is surprised that he not only got through the entire day hanging out with Blaine without constantly feeling like he couldn't breathe, but he actually really enjoyed himself.

It's weird, just talking to him, walking next to him, hearing his voice and seeing his face, being able to turn around and he's just _there_ , smiling and warm and real. Because for so many years that had not even been a possibility, not even something he had allowed himself to hope for for fear it would never actually become real. But now it is real and he thinks that maybe he is finally ready to allow himself to believe it. He wants to be ready. If not for his own sake then for Blaine's, at least; Blaine had seemed so happy all day, so _relieved_ , and Kurt can't bear to think what he must have gone through the past weeks.

“Mess hall?” Blaine asks, flickers a tentative smile at him because they're out of the holodeck now and they hadn't planned any further than this, and neither of them suddenly know what the rules are here.

And as much as Kurt is afraid that he might be pushing his luck with a day going so well so far, he finds that he's actually not quite ready to say goodbye to Blaine just yet. “Sure,” he says, smiles back, and Blaine's smile widens in response.

They get their meals and find a table for two, and Kurt remembers all those evenings at the Academy when it had just been the two of them. all those times when they had to cram for tests, when they spent their dinners not talking, PADDs propped against water jugs to read over their study material, or shoveling bites of food in between quizzing each other on statistical mechanics or quantum chemistry, but also the ones where they had nothing to do but be together.

That had always been his favorite. Just sitting with Blaine at the end of a long day, having him right there, talking to him, holding his hand, getting those smiles from him. Those smiles that had always made him feel as if he was the only person in the world who would ever be loved like this by Blaine.

He had felt so … privileged. So _happy_. Because before Blaine, no one had ever even looked at him twice, and then suddenly he'd had – everything.

He'd fallen in love with Blaine the minute they met; he doesn't know how that day back then could have gone any differently. 

Blaine is perfect. And Kurt had never really been in love before, he'd had crushes, stupid little fantasies, but the minute he'd met Blaine he had known that those had been nothing against the real thing. Because Blaine is beautiful. The most beautiful man Kurt has ever met in his entire life. And he'd been kind, smiling and offering his hand and showing him the way when Kurt couldn't find his first class at the Academy. They'd become friends instantly and boyfriends shortly after and Kurt had loved him so much he had barely been able to stand it. He'd loved him with all his heart, all his soul, he'd loved him so utterly and completely it had filled up every corner of his being, every part of him alive with love for Blaine. He'd never felt anything like it before.

He's never felt anything like it since. Not even close to it. That feeling, that bone-deep, all-encompassing _love_ , that is for Blaine and Blaine only.

Only things are different now, they are so different, and he's still not sure what that even means anymore. He's not sure he's capable of opening himself up to that kind of emotion anymore.

What he does know after this day spent with him, though, is that even after being so careful, keeping such a careful distance, he already couldn't cope with being parted from him again. ...He needs him. Even if it's just as a friend, he needs Blaine in his life.

They're tired, after dinner, and say good night in the turbolift on the way to their decks, but before Blaine can get out first Kurt puts a hand on his arm to hold him back for a minute.

“Blaine?”

“What is it?” Blaine looks at him so open and patient and unassuming and Kurt smiles, oh, but he is glad that he has his friend back. He can finally, finally just look at him and be so happy that they know each other.

“Today was really nice,” he says.

Blaine's small smile blooms into a wide, delighted beam. “It was.”

And Kurt takes a deep breath; he wants this. “Breakfast tomorrow? Around nine? In the mess hall?”

Blaine nods, hesitates. “Or you can come by my quarters. For pancakes and coffee?”

“I'd like that,” Kurt hears himself say, and finds that it's the truth. “It's going to be another long day tomorrow with no work. We can at least treat ourselves to a nice breakfast.”

“And maybe we can go to the holodeck again afterwards?” Blaine asks carefully.

“I'd really like to check out one of those Broadway programs you mentioned,” Kurt says.

“In the audience or on stage?” Blaine grins as Kurt gasps.

“Both!” he exclaims. “Oh my god! How many plays do you have? Should we convince Elliott that we need more days off?”

Blaine laughs. “We could probably fill several weeks with my musical collection alone.”

“I have _missed_ you,” Kurt tells him, and Blaine looks so happy Kurt squeezes his arm a little before stepping back to let him get out of the lift finally. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Good night, Kurt,” Blaine says warmly.

**

Kurt is right on time the next morning, punctual as Blaine remembers him always being. Blaine has been up for two hours, less because he isn't tired anymore after their little adventure out in space, but more because he can't help it, he is excited. So he has prepared pancakes and omelet and strawberry parfait and some fruit, along with coffee and some water and, for good measure, some tea as well by the time Kurt arrives.

Kurt lets his eyes sweep over Blaine's table, the corners of his mouth twitching with a smile. “We won't starve,” he comments.

Blaine feels himself blush. “I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I made everything.”

“Lies,” Kurt says. “You made everything because you couldn't decide and you had the time.”

He laughs, because of course Kurt knows. They've had breakfast together so many times. It's nice that he remembers Blaine's love for breakfast food.

They eat, take their time with it, and maybe this is nothing special, just breakfast on a day they both don't have to be anywhere. But Blaine can't stop smiling because just a week ago they could barely be in the same room together and now Kurt is sitting here in his quarters calmly asking him to pass the maple syrup and who would have thought they could have this again?

Once they've made quite a dent in the mountain of food Blaine had provided, they finally schedule their mandatory appointments with Dr. Pillsbury for the next afternoon, and then they head off toward Holodeck 2 that Kurt has made sure to specifically reserve for them.

“Do you want to watch or do you want to act?” Blaine asks. They have options.

Kurt thinks about it. “Could we just watch a show first? I'm too full to really move after all that food.”

“Sure,” Blaine answers. “But later we have a variety of choices. On the Dalton we sometimes used to put on shows for each other. I have pretty much everything you could possibly want.”

“You know what I like,” Kurt points out.

Blaine nods. “I do.”

“I haven't taken the time to actually sing in any serious manner in … way too long.”

“I probably wouldn't have either if Wes hadn't pushed me,” Blaine admits. “But it was always either show tunes or fencing, and I suck at fencing. So I usually chose singing.”

“Rachel keeps trying to talk me into duets,” Kurt sighs. “It's usually fun, except for the fact that I haven't gotten to choose a song in over two years. I'm so glad we weren't in the same choir at the Academy.”

Blaine smiles at him. “So. You choose today.”

“They are your programs!”

“And I've had plenty of opportunity to enjoy all of them. Please. I'll pick next time, if you want.”

Kurt hesitates. “Okay. Thank you!”

“You're welcome,” Blaine says, and feels very good about the fact that Kurt didn't tell him this was just a one-time thing.

**

They watch two shows just because they can and because Blaine really has a big choice of programs. And Kurt knows that once they get tired of Blaine's they can still go through all of his – it should keep them busy for the next five years easily, their deep space mission is not going to be boring even if they don't find anything interesting at all out here in the Gamma Quadrant.

“I feel like singing,” Blaine says once the second show is over and the program ends, the two of them suddenly standing in the plain, empty space of the holodeck again.

Kurt laughs. “You were humming along the entire time anyway. People were staring.”

“Well. They weren't _real_ people. Just holograms.”

“Do you want to act out something?” Kurt wants to know. “Because I don't know if I have the patience for a whole show again right now, we should probably go and eat something at some point.”

Blaine just shrugs. “I wasn't thinking of an entire performance,” he says. “Hold on, I have an idea.”

Kurt waits while Blaine selects a new program, gasps when suddenly the holodeck disappears and he finds himself in a setting that is so familiar even if he hasn't set foot here in more than three years.

“The Academy choir room,” he whispers.

Blaine beams at him. “You like it?”

“I _love_ it,” Kurt promises, and his smile is so wide his cheeks are hurting with it. “I've missed this place.”

“I just wanted a place to sing in, you know?” Blaine says.

“You couldn't just sing in your quarters?”

“It's not the same.”

“No,” Kurt agrees. “I know.” He hasn't really taken the time to sing, to really _practice_ , since he left the Academy. It had seemed a bit pointless, but also, it had reminded him of Blaine in a way that was simply uncomfortable. The many times they had sung to each other in this room, the duets they had performed in here...

“Would you sing with me?” Blaine asks, voice low, almost shy, face a little flushed.

And Kurt has no idea how he's going to do this, he can't even speak, just twitches a small smile at him. Blaine understands, walks over to the very old early twenty-first century boombox that's sitting on top of the piano, and presses a button.

The first notes of _Daydream Believer_ fill the small room and Kurt shakes his head at Blaine, can't hold back the laugh even though his heart is hammering almost painfully in his chest, and starts them off with the first lines. It's always been one of his favorites. Of course Blaine remembers that.

**

That night, they have dinner together in Kurt's quarters and watch movies until late into the night. The next morning, they meet early for breakfast in Blaine's room and then go back to the holodeck for some walking through a serene little landscape that always reminds Kurt of his dad. He misses him terribly and Blaine picks up on that pretty quickly and walks a little closer to Kurt, their shoulders brushing occasionally, talking of light and happy things. Kurt is so, so grateful that he has his best friend back.

They brought their lunch with them that day and sit down eventually by a little brook, spread out their picnic and eat and they are still not running out of things to talk about. After dinner they go back to the Academy choir room to sing some more – now that he has started again Kurt can't understand how he ever was able to stop. He loves to sing. He loves it so much.

They end up in Blaine's quarters with plans to watch a movie, but just end up talking instead – it's been an exciting two days and Kurt can't stop talking, can't stop listening to Blaine, he's _missed_ this.

He's had friendship on board this ship with Mercedes and Rachel and Mike, but never like this. This is – well, not easy, not with all the history between them. And yet, on some level … yeah, it is easy. It's just as easy as it always used to be. Because Blaine is Blaine and Kurt responds to him the way he thought he never could again; Blaine makes him feel like he can be himself and be liked for it.

That night, he falls asleep in Blaine's quarters, on the narrow couch they were sitting on next to each other, the way it happened so many nights at the Academy when they were still just friends and not ready to put a name to all the things they knew they were feeling for each other.

He wakes up the next morning stretched out on Blaine's couch, Blaine sitting on the floor and grinning up at him while poking him in the side to wake him.

Kurt yawns. “Morning.”

“Good morning, sunshine.”

“Oh my god, did I fall asleep here?”

“You did.”

“I'm so sorry.”

Blaine shrugs, grins wider. “Shut up. You're adorable when you snore.”

“I do not snore.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“I don't.”

“Do you want pancakes?”

Kurt sits up carefully. “That would be great, actually.”

Blaine pats his thigh and gets up off the floor to walk over to the replicator. Kurt wipes some drool from the corner of his mouth, a little embarrassed but mostly very happy.

They're okay. It feels good to know that again.

**

Kurt goes back to his shifts and Blaine goes back to his own; everything is back to normal.

Everything except for the fact that now they meet up for breakfast when they can, and occasionally for duets or just some show on the holodeck.

But the best thing, Blaine thinks, is the way he never has to be nervous anymore about bumping into him. It's not a big deal anymore. They say hello, they smile at each other, they talk like friends do. It's _amazing_.

On their way to the staff meeting about a week after they go back to work, they end up sharing a turbolift. Well, Blaine's already in when he sees Kurt hurrying down the corridor and he waits for him, holding the door until Kurt slips past him, grinning his thanks, face just a little flushed from running.

“Thanks for waiting.”

“Not a problem.”

“Good morning, Blaine.”

“And good morning to you too, Kurt.”

“Deck One,” Kurt says, and the lift starts moving. “Oh, by the way, I talked to Elliott just now, and he's having a little karaoke night on the holodeck tonight. He told me to invite you if I saw you first.”

Blaine thinks about it, but really, he just loves singing. “That sounds great.”

“I knew you were gonna say that.”

“Are duets allowed?”

Kurt rolls his eyes at him. “Of course. But I'd be careful, I think Rachel already has plans for you.”

“Is she fighting with Finn again?”

“It'll blow over in no time.”

“Yeah. Guess I'll have to make sure to find a duet partner of my own before she can take over my night.”

“I guess so,” Kurt agrees, and bumps their shoulders together before walking for the doors as the lift stops at Deck One.

**

Kurt's finishing up looking over the warp core maintenance reports when Blaine shows up next to him.

“Hi,” he says, leaning back against Kurt's console.

Kurt lowers the PADD he was reading, tilts his head at him. “Hi. What brings you down to Main Engineering today?”

Blaine shrugs. “I just walked Sam back after lunch, we weren't done discussing the first mission for tomorrow.”

Kurt frowns. “What mission? Is Sam being sent out on something? Because Sue didn't notify me -”

“No, no.” Blaine laughs. “Purely recreational. We discovered a certain mutual love for old comics, so we dusted off an old holodeck program of his and -”

“Oh.” Kurt laughs. “You're reviving Nightbird the Nocturnal Avenger?”

“It's been too long.” Blaine sighs.

“Sam's tried to talk me into joining him for that a few times,” Kurt says, “but it's not really my thing.”

“You could try it now,” Blaine says. “We already got Brittany as the Human Brain and Artie as Dr. Y. We could always use more people.”

“Who's Sam?”

“The Blond Chameleon.”

“Of course he is.”

“So, what do you say? A few more days, a few more adjustments, and we're ready to go!”

Kurt shakes his head. “No, thank you! But are we still on for movie night tomorrow? Because I have a serious pizza craving.”

“Then you shall have your pizza tomorrow,” Blaine promises, pushing off the console. “My quarters?”

“Mine,” Kurt says. “It's my turn.”

“Then I'll be there after my shift.”

“I'm looking forward to it!”

“By the way, are you coming down to the planet tomorrow? They want to collect some soil samples and Brittany is completely excited already because of some animal that showed up on her preliminary scans.”

Kurt shakes his head. “I can't. And you don't need engineering down there anyway. If anything breaks, just call and we'll beam down.”

“I'm sure we'll be fine, thank you.”

Kurt laughs. “I'm sure you will be.”

**

Nobody tells him about it. He is on his way to the main deflector when Santana suddenly comes barreling around a corner, bumps into him so hard she knocks both of them over. Before Kurt can say anything she curses, and then just jumps up and keeps running, a frantic look on her face.

Kurt looks after her, shakes his head a little as Mike, much more calmly, comes around the corner after her.

“Are you okay?” he asks, looking oddly concerned.

Kurt sighs. “Yeah, thanks. I just wonder what that was all about.” He smiles up at Mike who is offering a hand to help him up. Kurt takes it, struggles back to his feet, straightens his uniform.

Mike looks visibly pale now. “Nobody told you?”

“Told me what?”

“Just – down on the planet – it _just_ happened, they just got beamed up directly to sickbay -”

Kurt tilts his head at Mike. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“There's been an explosion,” Mike says, and Kurt feels his entire body go cold. “I was on the Bridge when Tina's transmission came through, she's fine, but -”

“Blaine?” Kurt asks.

“I don't know.”

“What do you mean? Is anyone hurt?”

“It's Blaine and Brittany, one with a few scratches and one in critical condition, that's all I know, I -” 

Kurt doesn't wait for Mike to finish his sentence before he's turned on his heels, running for the turbolift.

Technically he's still supposed to be on duty but he just can't, he can't, he can barely breathe through the panic, the fear, it's a cold clamp around his heart, _it can't be Blaine_ -

Oh god. That is something that's not allowed to happen, that is something that is never _never_ allowed to happen, Blaine has to be okay he has to be okay he has to be okay...

He can seriously finish his work on the deflector array at another time, he'll work double shifts if he has to once all of this is over but right now he needs to get to sickbay, he needs to be where Blaine is, he can't even think around the need to be with him, he just needs to see him he needs to see him he _needs him_.

The door slides back for him and he stumbles into the room and there's Elliott bent over Blaine who's just lying there on the surgical bed with his uniform tattered and ripped and singed and Kurt can't see his face from all the way back here, makes a move to rush forward toward him but is held back by arms slinging across his chest firmly, turns his head to see Santana right there next to him, holding him back.

“Let them work,” she says quietly.

“I need to -” he starts.

“They're taking care of him,” she says. “Let them do their thing. Don't get in the way.”

He nods, swallows heavily, asks, “Britt?”

Santana shakes her head, motions over to one of the bio beds along the wall where her girlfriend is resting, apparently asleep. “She's fine. He was closest to the explosion. She only had a few scratches on her.”

“Good,” he says, because it is. She's his friend and he's glad that she's okay. But it doesn't help Blaine.

“He'll be okay too.”

He swallows again. “Did they – what did they – how -”

Santana gently pulls him off to the side as he cranes his head to get a better look at what they're doing all the way on the other end of sickbay, he can't see the surgical bed very well from here.

“All we can do is wait,” she points out, and even with every cell in his body straining towards Blaine he lets himself be pulled off to the side to be sat down on an empty bio bed and wait.

**

Elliott moves Blaine to a bio bed about an hour later and assure Kurt that it looks good – there's been some swelling in his brain but apparently they got that under control and Elliott is very confident that he'll be okay once he wakes up.

“And when is that going to be exactly?” Kurt wants to know. No one seems able to give him a good answer to that question.

He refuses to go back to the deflector array. It's not that important. Someone else can take care of it. He knows it's very possible that he's going to get in trouble for this, but there's absolutely nothing that could drag him away from sickbay right now.

Determinedly, he takes a seat next to Blaine's bed and takes his hand, and completely ignores Elliott several hours later when he gently points out that visiting hours are over.

“Kurt,” Elliott repeats carefully, putting a tentative hand on his shoulder. “There's nothing you can do here. You should get some rest. Don't you have some work to finish on the deflector tomorrow?”

Kurt snorts. “Please. I can recalibrate that array in my sleep. I'm not leaving him.”

“He'll be fine, Kurt,” Elliott tries.

“You don't know that,” he argues.

“And if I promise to let you know the minute there's any change in his condition? Will you go and get some sleep then? Or at least eat something?”

Kurt shakes his head. “I'm not leaving him,” he repeats. He _can't_ leave him. He has no idea what's happening, he doesn't even really have a clue what he's feeling right now, he's just sort of numb; all he knows is that there is no way he could make his body walk away from Blaine right now. He physically can't leave. Not before he knows that Blaine's gonna make it.

Elliott squeezes his shoulder and once again reminds Kurt why they're such good friends. “Okay,” he says. “But I'm going to get you a sandwich and a glass of water and you'll finish both or I'm having you surgically removed from this bed,” he jokes.

Kurt nods. “Fine.”

“Okay, then.”

“Elliott -” he looks up at him, attempts the smallest hint of a smile. It doesn't feel convincing. It doesn't feel like anything. “Thanks.”

Elliott squeezes his shoulder again and walks off toward the replicator in his office.

Kurt holds Blaine's hand and looks at his still face and doesn't know what to feel.

He does eat his sandwich and drinks his water, hurries because he has to let go of Blaine's hand for the duration of time it takes him to finish both. Elliott stays with him, tries talking with him, but Kurt is distracted, he can't really take in anything beside the form of Blaine under the thin sheet they covered him with up to his bare shoulders.

Elliott leaves him alone to get back to work once Kurt's done eating and Kurt can take Blaine's hand again, wraps his own fingers securely around Blaine's – his hand is so warm. He remembers the feel of his skin, the texture, the warmth, the way Blaine could slide his hands up Kurt's back and hug him in close and make him feel like no one had ever been loved more in the history of humanity.

He closes his eyes; he knows the shape of his shoulders, knows what's underneath that sheet, he remembers everything. Every perfect inch of him. It's torture, having to remember it all so clearly, having to live with the knowledge of what his touch feels like, what his skin tastes like when he kisses him, what it feels like to be precious to him. To be close to him.

Why did Blaine have to come here? They can't do this again. They can't. There are no guarantees in this world and the last time they had to separate Kurt had barely been able to keep himself from breaking. He can't. He can't go through it again.

He may have to now anyway.

He'd been so careful, so very, very careful to keep a distance between them, to not let him get so close again that he could rip his heart out when they had to be apart again. And now it's happening anyway, he feels too weak to fight it anymore, and there's no point anyway. It's too late, maybe it's always been too late from the minute he first met Blaine.

Now they tell him Blaine is _probably_ going to be fine, and what is he supposed to feel when he hears that?

All he knows is that he absolutely _needs_ Blaine to be fine. Once he knows that Blaine is okay, he can start working on mending his own aching heart, on burying these feelings again. If he loses Blaine, he doesn't know if he's going to be able to do that.

He knows he has no right to be feeling this; he knows he's been the one all these endless months to keep them at a distance. He knows what it is that Blaine was hoping for, what Blaine wants from him. He knows what he wants too, but he also knows what's sensible. They can't hurt each other like that again. They can _never_ hurt each other like that again.

And now Blaine's hurting him like that again anyway and he has no way of protecting himself against his own feelings. He's never been able to feel less for Blaine.

He doesn't know what's going to happen and how this is all going to turn out.

But he does know that if Blaine dies, the world will end. 

His world at least. Because, yes, that's exactly how catastrophic that outcome looks to him. He can't begin to picture a world without Blaine in it; how would that even be possible? There can't be any sort of future worth seeing that doesn't have Blaine's smile in it, or Blaine's voice, Blaine's warmth, his kindness, his _love_ -

He can't hold back the tears spilling over but he doesn't make a sound, presses his lips together and turns his body so Elliott can't see his face from the office.

He holds Blaine's hand and watches his lovely, dear face, and cries silently while he waits.


	8. Chapter 8

The first thing Blaine notices is that his mouth is kind of dry and tastes disgusting. And that there's a light on. Not too bright, but it's definitely not dark – he has the lights in his quarters programmed to switch on when his alarm goes off; is it time for his shift yet?

But his head is pounding and he can't really move his legs or arms, it's a terrible effort to even force his eyes open, he feels _exhausted_ and heavy and just _weird_ and -

And he's not in his quarters.

Finally getting his eyes to open all the way, he blinks up at the ceiling that is not familiar, notices that there are sounds all around him that have no business being in his quarters – a beeping sound, someone talking a little way off, a rustling that's not from his sheets.

He turns his head to one side and those are not his walls either, but he knows this place, he knows – sickbay. He's in sickbay. And with that realization he remembers and the pounding in his head flares momentarily into a sharp pain, and suddenly he can feel the ache in the rest of his body; his legs, his heavy arms, he feels _exhausted_.

There was an accident. And he remembers, remembers being on the planet, the readings on his tricorder going haywire, remembers the second before he heard Brittany shout out to him and then a flash of light and then pain and now – and now he's here.

To his other side he hears a gasp, becomes aware of a different quality weight to his right hand; someone is holding it, someone's fingers wrapped around his fingers and it's an effort to turn his head to the other side but he grits his teeth and musters all of his strength and manages.

And there is Kurt, sitting close to him, that's Kurt's hand holding onto Blaine's so tightly, and Blaine flexes his fingers as much as he can, tries to hold Kurt's hand back.

“Blaine,” Kurt breathes, and his voice sounds too rough, too low, too thick.

“K-” Blaine starts, breaks off, with some difficulty clears his throat as his voice doesn't want to cooperate. “Kurt,” he finally gets out even though it hurts; how long has he been lying here? It feels as if he hasn't used his voice in days.

“Shh, don't talk,” Kurt hurries to say, shifts closer, bending forward a little. “You're – oh god. You're awake. You're – do you need anything? Do you – I should get Elliott -”

Blaine looks at him and he feels like hell, his head is still pounding, and it's still so difficult to move his hands or his legs, but Kurt is here. Kurt is here. Kurt is holding his hand.

He has a feeling that if Kurt is here holding his hand, whatever it was that happened to him, it must have been bad. How long has Kurt sat here? He looks – pale, drawn, his eyes softly blue and red-rimmed, and...

“H-” Blaine tries, breaks off, starts again even though it hurts. “Have you … been … crying?”

Kurt doesn't answer, instead just squeezes his hand, flickers the tiniest smile at him. “Let me get Elliott, he should check you over, make sure you're okay -”

Blaine doesn't really have the strength to even nod, but he's glad when Kurt just turns and waves to Elliott who's apparently close by, instead of letting go of his hand. He really doesn't want Kurt to let go of his hand.

He feels himself drifting off again when Elliott is checking him over but he manages to smile at Kurt before he does, and Kurt smiles shakily back, and Blaine loves him. That's all he has the time to think before falling asleep again so that he can't feel his body hurting everywhere anymore.

**

Kurt barely makes it back to his own quarters before the last of his strength leaves him.

He hurries past people in the corridors not even really noticing who he's walking past; he just needs to get to his room, he just needs to, he needs...

The door slides open and then mercifully closed again behind him once he's through and he lets himself slump back against the wall right next to it, doesn't even bother activating the lights; eyes wide open in the semi-darkness of his room he presses a hand over his open mouth as if that will help him contain the emotions, keep them from escaping, keep them locked inside...

His eyes are burning and his chest feels too tight, knees shaking, his hand still tingles where it had touched Blaine's; _Blaine_ -

The first sob _hurts_ as it tears from his chest and up out through his throat, and then his eyes are spilling over, he can't hold back the tears as his legs give out and he slides down the wall to sit on the floor in his unlit room and cry.

He cries so hard he can't see, can't feel anything but the sobs shaking his entire body, his very soul shaking with the _agony_ of the last few days and this strange sort of relief he just had to live through and he doesn't know, doesn't understand what it is he's feeling, just knows that it _hurts_.

Blaine is alive. Blaine is okay. 

He'll need to recover, he'll need more help, but there's no lasting damage as far as Elliott can tell. He's going to be back to work in a few weeks, back to roaming the ship with his smiles and his kindness and his beauty and his ability to tear Kurt's heart right from his chest; nowhere is safe for him when Blaine moves freely through the ship because he never knows when he'll turn a corner and come to face him and feel his presence like a punch to the chest.

But none of that matters, he's glad for it, because it means that Blaine is _here_ , that he's okay, that he's _alive_. 

He'd cried in sickbay, holding Blaine's hand, he'd cried silently when he couldn't hold the tears back, head turned away, furiously wiping at his cheeks to hide his emotions from the world.

Now he can't keep quiet, he just cries and cries and cries and doesn't know how to stop.

If he'd lost Blaine -

He can't even imagine that. He can't lose him. He just can't _ever_ lose him.

Oh god he just doesn't know what he's even doing anymore; he loves him. He loves him so much it hurts and he has no idea what to do about it, but he can't fool himself any longer. Blaine is the love of his life, and today he almost lost him for good without even telling him that, and sitting here in the dark aching with how hard he's crying, he just can't deny it any longer. He never stopped loving him and he never will.

**

Elliott patches Blaine up as good as he can, but it's still several days before he's allowed to leave sickbay and return to his own quarters, and even once he's allowed that much Elliott still comes by regularly to check on him.

Blaine doesn't mind, he does feel terrible still and he's wobbly on his legs and gets tired so quickly and he gets distracted so easily. Elliott tells him it'll fade, he's going to feel better very soon and he'll be able to go back to work and he's going to be as good as new. Blaine believes him, has no reason not to, and in the meantime he goes through the exercise programs Elliott gave him, he gets a lot of rest, and he doesn't really worry too much.

Kurt doesn't seem to have such an easy time with Blaine's recovery and while Blaine is touched by his concern and so happy to have him around so much, he also doesn't really know what to make of it.

He knows Kurt, he knows how caring and wonderful Kurt is. And they've been reconnecting, they're friends again, they've been spending so much time together. It's still a little unexpected when Kurt suddenly doesn't leave his side at all anymore.

Kurt works his shifts and even gets in all the extra hours completing the tasks he neglected while Blaine was in sickbay. But once he's done for the day he comes straight to Blaine's quarters, makes sure that Blaine eats, helps him with his exercise, tidies up around the room for him and watches movies with him and talks with him until bedtime. He brings him tea and steadies him when he walks and fusses over him like … like … well, like the good friend that he is, Blaine supposes.

Blaine likes having him around, but he doesn't know what any of it means. It's confusing, as nice as it is.

“You know I can do this by myself, don't you?” he asks Kurt, when Kurt helps him get up off the couch so he can make his way to the holodeck for his afternoon exercises.

Kurt shrugs. “I know you can. The point of having friends is that you don't have to. And we are friends, aren't we?”

It's the tone of Kurt's voice when he asks that makes Blaine's heart ache in his chest – there's a hesitation, a silent doubt that only someone who knows him could recognize as insecurity. And Blaine leans into his side when Kurt gets him to his feet, Kurt's arm around his waist, and he lets himself be helped. “Of course we are,” he says.

Because he gets it, sort of. Kurt needs this as much as he does.

He just doesn't know what it _means_.

But Kurt keeps being there, his faithful, reliable friend, and Blaine appreciates everything he does for him even if he doesn't fully understand it.

The third day after he leaves sickbay Kurt helps him to the mess hall so Blaine doesn't have to eat in his quarters – he's getting seriously a little tired of sitting in the same room all day and really likes getting out of there again to be around people.

They sit with Mike and Sam and Tina and Blaine doesn't manage to eat a lot because he's still weak, but he gets to sit and talk with his friends and he is so grateful that he has this. He still misses the Dalton terribly most of the time, but tonight he really feels for the first time that he's found a sort of new family on board this ship too and he actually feels at home here. It's not just Kurt anymore, Sam is a good friend and so is Tina and he really likes Mike as well.

Still, he's also really glad when, after dinner, Kurt helps him back to his quarters and the door closes behind the two of them and everything is quiet again. He's still not back to his full strength, after all.

“Do you want to watch something?” Kurt asks, starting to pick up some scattered items around the room and tidying Blaine's quarters like he does every night now. “Or are you tired? Do you want to go to bed?”

Blaine sits down carefully on the couch and shakes his head. He is tired, but if he goes to bed now he'll just be awake too early and he really needs to get back into a normal sleeping rhythm, he's going back to work in a few days, after all.

“I'm okay. I couldn't sleep yet anyway.”

Kurt nods and neatly folds the blanket Blaine had been using earlier, drapes it over the side of the armchair. “Movie? Or we could play a game or just listen to some music -”

“Or we could just talk,” Blaine suggests. Whatever is going on with Kurt, he'd really like to figure it out.

Kurt sits down on the opposite end of Blaine's small couch, still managing to make the short distance between them feel like miles even with all the closeness he seems to be craving lately. “We can do that. Of course. Did you have anything on your mind?”

Blaine shrugs, bites his lip, doesn't quite know what to say. He hadn't actually thought this far ahead. “Not really. Just – well. I – Kurt, are you okay?”

Kurt blinks at him. “What do you mean?”

“Just what I asked. Are you okay? Because – you know you can talk to me, right?”

“I'm fine, Blaine.” Kurt smiles, but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. “Why wouldn't I be? Everything's fine.”

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me if there's anything on your mind, don't you?”

Kurt lowers his eyes, sighs. “Blaine, I'm fine. I promise. I'm fine.”

Blaine knows he's lying to him, but has no idea what to do about it. It just stings a little, being lied to like this. “You know you don't have to be here all the time. You do know that, don't you? Because I know I'm still a little wobbly but I don't mean to keep you from your friends or your recreation or -”

“I _want_ to be here,” Kurt interrupts, looking almost panicked. “I'm not doing this because I feel obligated. I want to be here. Do you -” he swallows, suddenly unsure. “Do you not – want me here? Because I can leave...”

“I always want you here,” Blaine says, too tired to talk around the truth, find a way to word it that won't freak him out with everything it obviously means. “Always. You know that. It's why you've been avoiding me. You know what I want. But, Kurt, you don't have to – just because I got injured -”

“Blaine -”

“Because I get it, Kurt. I do. I get what you're afraid of and I'm afraid of it too. Losing you once hurt so much I could barely stand it. But -”

“I don't think you get it, though,” Kurt cuts him off. “I mean, yes, having you here with me again, knowing we'd be on this ship together for five years, I panicked. I did. I admit it.”

“I'm still sorry about that, I should have talked to you -”

“But I'm not – it's not like that anymore. I'm just – I just don't know what to do, and this isn't easy for me, and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it but I'm just … I'm afraid, Blaine, I just don't know what to do -”

“About what?” Blaine wants to know. “I don't know what you mean. We're friends, aren't we? You can talk to me. I can see that you're nervous and that you have something on your mind but if you don't tell me -”

“I'm in love with you,” Kurt says simply.

Blaine is silent. He just sits, closes his mouth around the next words he can't remember anyway, and has no clue what to say. “You -”

“After all these years,” Kurt says. “Blaine, it's been _years_. Without any contact. And I worked so hard to get over you. I really thought I – And then you show up here and you're just … _you_. And I – I love you. I still love you. I was trying to tell myself we're both not the same people anymore we were back then, and maybe we aren't, but getting to know you again … If anything you're even more amazing now, and, Blaine, I love you so much I can't stand it. You're the only person I have ever felt this for and -” his voice cracks a little. “I'm starting to think you always will be. Because – because I don't know how to not feel this for you. I don't know how to stop. And it's been so long, and … this is crazy. This is _crazy_ , I just don't know what to do, but I love you. And I can't – I can't -” He breaks off with a strangled sob, slaps a hand over his mouth. “Sorry.”

“Kurt,” Blaine says, and his throat feels raw, his chest feels cracked open, he feels weak under the onslaught of emotions suddenly flooding every cell in his body.

“I'm sorry.”

“Please, don't be -”

“I shouldn't have … said that, you don't need this right now, you need to recover -”

“I love you,” Blaine interrupts, almost desperately. “Don't you know that? I just – Oh _god_ , I love you.”

Kurt doesn't look up, eyes squeezed closed, trying so hard to compose himself. “But it's been so long, Blaine.”

“I don't care.”

“I just – if this breaks again, if we can't make it work, I – I couldn't handle it, I couldn't – if I lost you again I'd – I don't know, Blaine, I couldn't do it, I just -”

Blaine scoots closer to him on the couch, reaches for his hands, holds them tightly in his own and tilts their foreheads together. “I love you,” he repeats, and he's crying now, doesn't know what else to say, it's all he can feel, all he can think. “It's only ever been you. Always you, I always – You're the only one, Kurt.”

And suddenly Kurt's arms are around him, his face pressed close against Blaine's neck, and Blaine hugs him as hard as he can, buries his face in Kurt's hair and he can't stop shaking.

**

He stays the night at Blaine's. They don't so anything more than hold each other; it's all completely innocent. There's not much talking, they're all talked out for now. But there is hugging. A lot of hugging. Blaine holds him so hard and Kurt can't stop crying, he's clinging to Blaine and breathing him in and crying and he doesn't even really know why, the emotions he's had bottled up for so long just want out now that he's finally acknowledging them.

At least Blaine is crying too, his perfect, lovely body trembling with broken sobs in Kurt's arms.

Once he finally finds the strength to unclench his hands from the back of Blaine's shirt and pull back a little, he's all cried out for now, his face is dry again and his heart lighter, and Blaine is still here, still holding him, and when their eyes meet Kurt can see the emotion there, the affection, the love.

“Blaine,” he says. It's the only word he knows how to say right now.

“This is real, isn't it?” Blaine says, sounding a little dazed. “Please tell me this is real.”

“This is real,” Kurt confirms, and finally, finally, after years of nothing, leans in to press his lips to Blaine's.

Blaine's lips press back against his own, tasting like tears, and they're so warm and wet and oh god Kurt can remember this, the feel of him, and he can't hold back the desperate little noise rising from his throat. He's _missed_ kissing him.

He thought he'd never get to do this again and now he can taste him feel him press in closer to him and just let the feeling take over and it's the bets thing he's felt in years.

Blaine kisses him back so eagerly, cards a hand through his hair, the other firmly against his back to keep him close, and Kurt could almost cry again with how good this all is, except he has no tears left for now.

It's not long before Blaine starts yawning and looking rather exhausted, though, because after all he was just released from sickbay a few days ago.

They move to the bed, just to slip under the covers and hold each other close, and Kurt knows, he just knows, that he wants this forever. Every night of his life should be like this, Blaine in his arms and so much love in his heart.

Oh god, he thinks, you're _happy_. Had you honestly forgotten what that felt like?

He closes his eyes and tightens his arms around Blaine, his Blaine, finally, after all those years.

They still have to talk and he knows it. But for now, he's just so, so happy. He has a feeling Blaine will do his best to keep making him feel like this. And he'll always do the same for him.

**

He wakes up slowly the next morning and he feels – rested, more than he has these past few days. He feels really good. Light, somehow. And warm. Warmer than he's used to in the morning, he hasn't felt like this since...

He feels someone stir beside him and, as he slowly surfaces from his pleasant dreams, realizes that he's not in his bed, and that he's not on his own. He blinks his eyes open, and there is Blaine, in the bed with him, smiling at him so widely, so happily.

“Good morning,” Blaine says, voice a little raspy from sleep.

Kurt closes his eyes again for just a second and he could laugh out loud if he weren't still so sleep-heavy and morning-slow. “Good morning.”

“I love you,” Blaine says.

Now Kurt does laugh, he can't hold it in. “I love you too. Wow. This is a really nice way to wake up.”

“I've been awake for a while,” Blaine says. “I've been waiting to say this to you forever.”

Somehow, Kurt doesn't think he's merely talking about this morning. He cuddles closer to him, kisses his chest through the shirt. “Yeah,” he says. “Same here.”

He can tell that it's going to be a good day.


End file.
